Eh, What's Up, Doc?

When you call to make an appointment with your doctor, why do you always have to tell the receptionist what its about? Am I the only one who is annoyed by this? Do I have the only doctor with this kind of receptionist? This really bothers me. "I'm calling because I need to see a doctor, you dumb slut." I obviously have medical questions, and you're not a doctor so I don't think it concerns you. You're not even a nurse. And when I do tell you whats wrong with me, the nurse and/or doctor asks me again at my appointment anyway, so it's not like you're taking down notes for them to save time or anything. You're just nosey as far as I can tell. Just make the appointment. Isn't that what you're paid to do? (If you care that much, just go pull my file after my appointment, miss nosey. If you just have to know)

It's not that I have some really embarrassing condition. I could be calling to get a flu shot. The point is, it's none of your damn business. Honestly, it's between the doc and I. The receptionist at a lawyers office wouldnt ask you about your case. The high school grad working the phones at your shrinks office wouldn't ask how suicidal you're feeling today. I mean, can you imagine if other "confidential" professions behaved this way.

"The law offices of shifta & dickinson, how can I help you?" Yea, I need to make an appointment with the bad boys. "Oh, really, what is it you're needing their services for?" Legal problems. "Yes, I understand, but what specifically did you do?" Oh, I shot a bunch of people and buried them in my backyard. Don't tell anyone. "Alright, one moment."
It's absolutely absurd. You'd call your shrink, "Why do you need to see the 'doctor'? I'm feeling very unstable and thinking seriously about taking my own life because I'm a worthless human being. "Uh huh, and what specifically is bothering you?" My wife slept with my brother and I'm not feeling too great about it. "Ok, one second, dear."

I mean, this shit would never fly. But at the doctor, its expected. Have you ever tried NOT to tell the receptionist what its about? They take it so personally. Like, who do you think you are, you don't have to tell ME, the girl who answers phones and makes appointments, what your medical situation is. How dare you! I make copies of insurance cards all day, and you think you can go over my head straight to the doctor?!
I think next time I call, I'm gonna shoot a "I don't really want to discuss it with his receptionist" over the bow, see how she takes it. I'll just plan on waiting 2 or 3 weeks to get the appointment, but it will be so very satsifying. Maybe when she asks what its about I should just come back with, "Oh, am I speaking with the doctor right now? Oh, oh, I'm not. I see, you're just the answering machine." I mean, if you're the one I need to talk to about my shit, then why am I even bothering coming in next week to see the real doctor. Fuck. Why don't you just call in a prescription for me. I have the internet. I already know what he's gonna give me. Oh, that's right, you have no medical authority. You have no power. You work behind a drive-thru sliding glass window all day. Think about THAT for a while.

And don't even get me started on the people that work at the pharmacy. My God. You're like a glorified librarian. Somewhere along the line someone gave you a white coat and you forgot how stupid and useless your job is.


god you're ANGRY! ...i love it
i think i could actually hear the ire of larry david shining through

as for these hostesses (isnt "receptionist" what chicks who used to be hostesses in high school end up doing when they break up with their 4-year boyfriend and drop out of wherever U), i have no idea why they ask. they probably dont know why they ask either. there isnt a lot firing in those receptionist synapses, as far as i can tell.
i imagine most of them wish they didnt ask. old people telling you about their asshole rotting off from the diarrhea caused by the interaction of the 20 pills a day theyre popping. you get the [messy] idea.
let's just attribute it to being nosey, so we dont have to think about grandma jones and the clap.

i think the standard office procedure goes like this:
1. you call and ask to schedule an appointment, the first time you have to tell someone that youve got anal warts and need them checked out
2. you show up, fill in paper work, and often this is the second occasion you get to tell about those illustrious anal warts
3. "the doctor will see you now" -- in other words, the nurse or nurse practitioner (or whatever you call the overweight sweaty lady who weighs you and takes your pulse) will now ask you why you came in. this is at least the 2nd time, probably the 3rd time you have to disclose the anal warts. bitch, if your doctor cant get a message from his receptionist, and he cant read the fuckin shit i just scribbled on, what makes you think he's gonna listen to your stupid ass? take a break and go have a cheeseburger in the cafeteria
4. "the doctor will be in in a moment" -- 95% of the time, this is going to be more than 5 minutes. they dont know WHATS going on, so theyre thumbing through their giant encyclopedia so they can figure out what to say about your anal warts. but of course, even though they know you have anal warts, theyre gonna ask you why you came in.
cut the foreplay and just treat my anal warts, doc. i dont understand this little game. sure you went to a hard medical school, but does that entitle you to toy with me about my anal warts? [the answer is obviously yes, if you have anal warts. you deserve all derision that comes your way] generally speaking, you just want to get in, get the prescription for your illness [chlamydia] and move on to the "glorified librarian"

i think the pharmacy is a separate column all its own, and im not prepared to get bill simmons on that one yet. lemme know if you fire one up, and ill gladly pile on, though