Monday, November 14, 2005

Speaking of death

Bruce--
Your recent 'questions' post brought something to mind. Walk with me...

Let's say you DO in fact go through with it, take the plunge, survive, and get married (like your friend may do) but then it doesn't work out. (I know, wouldn't THAT be shocking...) What's the call on all the gifts?

I'm not sure what the proper procedure is here. (Not that I worry too seriously about doing anything "properly") If you get the marriage annulled, say a week later, then yea, I think you should really consider returning all the gifts, right?
But what if 3-6 months down the road you decide you REALLY wanna sleep with other women at some point in your life, and you pull the plug on the marriage and abandon ship. Then what? Do you get to keep anything? (besides your newly re-acquired balls) You did put in some time behind bars, right? Shouldn't you get something for your troubles? Maybe you just get an "E" for effort, but no presents? If so, that's really disappointing. Also, what if the two of you have acquired possessions "together"? You know that bitch is leaving with half your shit (I say "your shit", because I'm making the assumption that you paid for everything -- if this isn't the case, then you need to click your heels and ride into the sunset. You're a free man and you don't owe her a thing -- no, not even an explanation, pussy). So if she is indeed getting half of your stuff, shouldn't you get dibs on that brand new burberry carry-on? What about all the luggage? Is she really gonna use it? I mean, have they even invented a bag big enough for her? Do you have a claim to any of the cool shit?

Actually, did I just refer to wedding gifts as "cool shit"? What is wrong with me?
Be honest with yourself, fellas. You're not getting SHIT out of this deal. Unless you're really interested in punch bowls and cake mixers and bedding. Blah!


I think this entire post is a moot point, and a waste of your time. I apologize. There's no way you would even consider keeping any of the bullshit weddings gifts even if it was acceptable to. The chick might want to hang onto a few things, but if they let her keep them what are the chances that she goes fully "double x" and burns 'em or throws them out a window or something insa.... questionable?

Ok, so let's recap. If you get married, you're gonna get a bunch of crappy "household" items that you hope your wifey learns how to use. If it doesn't work out (ie. if you get caught) within a week, you're definitely gonna have to part with your new spice rack. Tough loss! If you survive the initial tremors but it all goes to shit 6 months down the road, it MIGHT be acceptable to hang onto some gifts, but you most likely won't want to (unless you're thinking "pawn shop = liquor money" in which case you're right, and I love you). So.... basically, you are getting nothing out of this deal. Congratulations bozo!

-----


why do you have to even go that far with the dirty "M" word?
anyways, i say in all circumstances, youre keeping the gifts -- too hard to return it all, so get santa's sleigh and take all the good shit before she can claim it...let her have the expensive, worthless crap (crystal goblets that stay in your cabinet for 40 years? serving tray made from the pubic bones of virgins? on second thought, better keep that one..)
now, the time youre married is going to determine whether the gift-givers hold an absurd grudge against you or not...and it is likely determinative of the quality of gift youre gonna get should you make mistake #2 and plunge again (how do the polar bears jump back into the frigid waters the second time? it CANT get any easier, and we know what happens to the wedding tackle shortly after the plunge...)

luckily, i have the solution to all the problems...a brooklyn wedding (think: I WILL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH!), cash gifts...not shady at all, right?
no one is asking you to return cash...b/c anyone shady enough to ask for cash is likely not to return it without a scuffle
also, with cash, you can immediately go to vegas, strip clubs, etc...buy weedspeedandX, you know the drill

by the way, if you dont go the cash route, i trust that if you ever settle down (she better be fuckin amazing), you will be stickin "cool shit" on the wedding list, b/c youre not gonna marry someone that impractical right...i mean even a HOOVER cant be worth that much, can it? (i actually am inconclusive on this question)
so stick a badass stereo system on there, that strinne-green striped sofa, or that hoverbike youll never use, but looks great

im rambling, so im stopping...but hey, what do you say if neither of us has made such a grievous mistake in the next 20 years, we hook up?

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