The Road To Oklahoma City
I'm watching NCAA Softball on a Sunday.
No, I don't have anything better to do--
No there's nothing on television, don't you think I've already looked??
Really the only way to enjoy something like this is to go mystery science theater 3000 on it...
So here is my running commentary--
Autumn Champion; a player's name. How amazing is this? Autumn Champion.. and you play softball. That's incredible. If i were reggie jackson and my nick name were "Mister October" I would feel an obligation to change my name to Autumn Champion... because it makes sense.
Softball fields are so small, Jesus Christ. You could play this game in my living room! (There's enough room for the "crowd" too, all 14 of them...) How are they not going yard everytime? I put this question to Bruce, online---
msevier31 : females, man
msevier31 : theyre slow-witted, weak men
msevier31 : kind of like plumley, with [bigger] boobs
I'll buy it..
Shouldn't they move the bases further apart? Why aren't all the lefties hitting 1.000? First base is 6 inches from the plate...
"My favorite TV shows are Will & Grace, & Sportscenter"... those two things should never be mentioned in the same sentence... Only in softball
Dykes look like everyone else, only with bad haircuts. It's a dead giveaway. Is this intentional so other dykes will know? Whats up with that? Is it against "the rules" to get a normal haircut?
I hate sundays... I can't even enjoy myself on a day off, because I know that tomorrow is Monday and my weekend is over. This is how the Last Supper must have felt...
"I'm allergic to the sun." And you play softball? Wow...
Normal haircut though-- good for you!
Softball must be the poster-child for the "there are over 8 trillion NCAA student-athletes.. and almost all of us are going pro in something other than sports" commercials. You should have played basketball... then at least if people are going to ridicule you; there's a paycheck involved.
Do only the straight girls put the ribbons in their hair? Doesn't this just scream "I'm an easy out!" or, "please don't hit the ball too hard at me." I see ribbons in the hair and I think you're trying to tell me something. "I'm just here to get some sun... see how my sleeves are rolled up over my shoulders."
"The coach will study the soil.. and the weather conditions in order to determine if this is a slapping day" no yoke... wow. I never knew...
A girl (i think) just stole 3rd base. Are you kidding me? When are they going to take my "move the bases furthere apart" suggestion seriously? People are stealing 3rd base!!!
They're playing this tournament in Oklahoma City. Where I live. I'm so proud.
This IS college, right? Am I missing something? They only play 7 innings, and they pitch from 5 feet away. What's going on here? Shouldn't the field get bigger at some point? How can I take this seriously when they're playing on the same field I played on when I was in 8th grade?
Do softball players get big thighs, or do big thighs go play softball? The chicken, or the egg?
You just swung at a pitch that hit the plate. She bowled it at you, and you swung. Take a lap...
Can you imagine if a baseball player wore a football helmet to the plate? Why is this allowed/encouraged? Is this like one of those, "it's ok for women to cry and share their feelings" type things? Are you protecting your face so you can still get a man? Look at your haircut... you're not getting a man...
Did the Oregon Ducks model their day-glo unis after the softball, or the other way around? That thing hurts my eyes, no kidding...
"We have some fanatical Lady Vol fans" what? is there anyone in the stands that isn't directly related to the girls on the field?
Aww... the Tennessee team is coached by a husband & wife.. how sweet. That's right up there with the "goalie mask batting helmet" as something you'd never see/hear about in baseball.
Do they drug test these girls? For steroids I mean? Or do they realize it's not a problem since they can't even hit the ball over a fence 50 feet out?
The Sea-doo commercial that just came on was more exciting than the first 4 innings of this game...
And probably more entertaining than this blog
They're playing Michael Jackson's "Beat It" between innings on the PA. Where's "Pussy Control" and the Justin Timberlake collection?
I haven't heard any organized cheers from the dugouts. At what age does this stop? When do you decide, "ok, we're not gonna do cheers anymore. we don't do that sort of thing at this level, girls. any questions? oh.. yes, of course we're still wearing ribbons in our hair."
"Their slappers have to get going." I totally agree--
"She has thrown the last 9 Tennessee ballgames." 9 games in a row? Tim wakefield couldn't throw 9 in a row. Is there a record? Do they even keep obscure softball records?
Someone just hit a homerun. Can we get a urine sample?
"I want you to touch each other in the huddle." I don't have a joke to make. That was it.
We'll end on that note
a couple things to mention, palahniuk:
1. i dont think you could reek of chuck p any more than when you said "this is what the last supper must have felt like." i went from flacid to full chub + ejaculation in the matter of under 5 seconds. does anyone keep these kinds of records?
2. obviously you havent watched enough softball *rimshot* but the ladies do sometimes do dugout cheers, as i recall from watching in years prior. you better believe its the ones with the ribbons leading the cheers, too. i dont think they let the dykes join the cheers b/c of the aforementioned steroids thing (think deep voices). how do i know this? uhh...i uhh...watch for "hotties" like cat osterman, of course. i also read playboy for the interviews, ok?!
3. ive never understood why/how softball pitchers were allowed to throw 8 million consecutive games. does that motion not destroy your arm like throwing normally? is this motion allowed in baseball? why dont the girls in the field throw it the same way? my head is spinning, so i'll stop
4. are there oddsmakers in vegas putting up lines like the % chance that any random college softball world series game will spontaneously break out into lilith fair? certainly they'd get action on this bet, right? why dont they just play sarah mclachlan between innings? how long til a team starts wearing flannel?
5. the announcers are obviously idiots. fanatical fan. wow. do they realize that the word "fan" is short for fanatic(al). thanks for stoppin by
6. plumley is going to kill me if he reads this
7. have you seen her?
No, I don't have anything better to do--
No there's nothing on television, don't you think I've already looked??
Really the only way to enjoy something like this is to go mystery science theater 3000 on it...
So here is my running commentary--
Autumn Champion; a player's name. How amazing is this? Autumn Champion.. and you play softball. That's incredible. If i were reggie jackson and my nick name were "Mister October" I would feel an obligation to change my name to Autumn Champion... because it makes sense.
Softball fields are so small, Jesus Christ. You could play this game in my living room! (There's enough room for the "crowd" too, all 14 of them...) How are they not going yard everytime? I put this question to Bruce, online---
msevier31 : females, man
msevier31 : theyre slow-witted, weak men
msevier31 : kind of like plumley, with [bigger] boobs
I'll buy it..
Shouldn't they move the bases further apart? Why aren't all the lefties hitting 1.000? First base is 6 inches from the plate...
"My favorite TV shows are Will & Grace, & Sportscenter"... those two things should never be mentioned in the same sentence... Only in softball
Dykes look like everyone else, only with bad haircuts. It's a dead giveaway. Is this intentional so other dykes will know? Whats up with that? Is it against "the rules" to get a normal haircut?
I hate sundays... I can't even enjoy myself on a day off, because I know that tomorrow is Monday and my weekend is over. This is how the Last Supper must have felt...
"I'm allergic to the sun." And you play softball? Wow...
Normal haircut though-- good for you!
Softball must be the poster-child for the "there are over 8 trillion NCAA student-athletes.. and almost all of us are going pro in something other than sports" commercials. You should have played basketball... then at least if people are going to ridicule you; there's a paycheck involved.
Do only the straight girls put the ribbons in their hair? Doesn't this just scream "I'm an easy out!" or, "please don't hit the ball too hard at me." I see ribbons in the hair and I think you're trying to tell me something. "I'm just here to get some sun... see how my sleeves are rolled up over my shoulders."
"The coach will study the soil.. and the weather conditions in order to determine if this is a slapping day" no yoke... wow. I never knew...
A girl (i think) just stole 3rd base. Are you kidding me? When are they going to take my "move the bases furthere apart" suggestion seriously? People are stealing 3rd base!!!
They're playing this tournament in Oklahoma City. Where I live. I'm so proud.
This IS college, right? Am I missing something? They only play 7 innings, and they pitch from 5 feet away. What's going on here? Shouldn't the field get bigger at some point? How can I take this seriously when they're playing on the same field I played on when I was in 8th grade?
Do softball players get big thighs, or do big thighs go play softball? The chicken, or the egg?
You just swung at a pitch that hit the plate. She bowled it at you, and you swung. Take a lap...
Can you imagine if a baseball player wore a football helmet to the plate? Why is this allowed/encouraged? Is this like one of those, "it's ok for women to cry and share their feelings" type things? Are you protecting your face so you can still get a man? Look at your haircut... you're not getting a man...
Did the Oregon Ducks model their day-glo unis after the softball, or the other way around? That thing hurts my eyes, no kidding...
"We have some fanatical Lady Vol fans" what? is there anyone in the stands that isn't directly related to the girls on the field?
Aww... the Tennessee team is coached by a husband & wife.. how sweet. That's right up there with the "goalie mask batting helmet" as something you'd never see/hear about in baseball.
Do they drug test these girls? For steroids I mean? Or do they realize it's not a problem since they can't even hit the ball over a fence 50 feet out?
The Sea-doo commercial that just came on was more exciting than the first 4 innings of this game...
And probably more entertaining than this blog
They're playing Michael Jackson's "Beat It" between innings on the PA. Where's "Pussy Control" and the Justin Timberlake collection?
I haven't heard any organized cheers from the dugouts. At what age does this stop? When do you decide, "ok, we're not gonna do cheers anymore. we don't do that sort of thing at this level, girls. any questions? oh.. yes, of course we're still wearing ribbons in our hair."
"Their slappers have to get going." I totally agree--
"She has thrown the last 9 Tennessee ballgames." 9 games in a row? Tim wakefield couldn't throw 9 in a row. Is there a record? Do they even keep obscure softball records?
Someone just hit a homerun. Can we get a urine sample?
"I want you to touch each other in the huddle." I don't have a joke to make. That was it.
We'll end on that note
a couple things to mention, palahniuk:
1. i dont think you could reek of chuck p any more than when you said "this is what the last supper must have felt like." i went from flacid to full chub + ejaculation in the matter of under 5 seconds. does anyone keep these kinds of records?
2. obviously you havent watched enough softball *rimshot* but the ladies do sometimes do dugout cheers, as i recall from watching in years prior. you better believe its the ones with the ribbons leading the cheers, too. i dont think they let the dykes join the cheers b/c of the aforementioned steroids thing (think deep voices). how do i know this? uhh...i uhh...watch for "hotties" like cat osterman, of course. i also read playboy for the interviews, ok?!
3. ive never understood why/how softball pitchers were allowed to throw 8 million consecutive games. does that motion not destroy your arm like throwing normally? is this motion allowed in baseball? why dont the girls in the field throw it the same way? my head is spinning, so i'll stop
4. are there oddsmakers in vegas putting up lines like the % chance that any random college softball world series game will spontaneously break out into lilith fair? certainly they'd get action on this bet, right? why dont they just play sarah mclachlan between innings? how long til a team starts wearing flannel?
5. the announcers are obviously idiots. fanatical fan. wow. do they realize that the word "fan" is short for fanatic(al). thanks for stoppin by
6. plumley is going to kill me if he reads this
7. have you seen her?
posted by Big Shifta at 6/04/2006 10:24:00 AM
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