Red River Shootout

I hate that we took the names off of the jerseys. How stupid. I’d transfer.

“Oklahoma can be tough in these defensive situations.” Obviously this guy hasn’t watched any OU football this year. Splendid.

Failed swing pass. I’ve never seen us run that play…

I took the sooners on the moneyline, btw—

Both teams just went 3 and out on their first possession. I also took the over (@ 47.5) which is looking really promising so far. I should have looked around more, they may have offered an over/under on punts per game. That’s something I could get behind.

I hate my cable provider. I’m such a resolution snob. I watch HD TV almost exclusively. Especially sports. And my provider is in disputes with this network locally, and they’re not allowed to broadcast the HD signal. I don’t even know if this game is in HD, but it might be, and THAT is what pisses me off.

Oh look, Barry Switzer won front row seats in the ticket lottery. Lucky him…

The superlatives have already started. Texas has “the best offensive line in college football.” Uh huh…
*immediately following that comment, they got flagged for offensive holding*

Texas QB, Colt McCoy, can’t be older than 14. I’m serious. Have you seen this guy? Why are they letting Frankie Muniz play college football? He could really hurt himself out there.

The only thought in my head right now is if I’m allowed to place a second half bet on this game, on Texas, if I already have money on OU. Because I could probably wager enough to make my money back. The game is going that well, already. Good times.

Texas just scored. The beer just got here. Thank god! (ya know... cos I deserve it)

Peterson just had an amazing kickoff return. Holla! I knew he was that big.

Way to go Paul! Ran backwards like 20 yds, took out us of field goal range. Way to take that sack, Smart play. I’m glad you didn’t throw it away, that would have been a much shorter loss. Good looking out, “are tard.”

FUCK! We just fumbled! Adrian Peterson no less. First fumble in the last 112 carries.
*it wasn’t a fumble. The ground caused it. And after official review, the call on the field stands. Way to go refs! That makes reviewed plays like 2 for 20 on the season. This whole replay thing is working out really well.*

Now Texas has “arguably, one of the best offensive lines in college football.”

First txt msg from Rush. “Am I blind? Did the ground not cause that goddamn dumble?!”

We just got hammered on a phantom pass interference call to bring back a huge play. Which prompts the second txt from Rush. “This proves my point just like the Oregon game… OU gets screwed at an extremely disproportional rate.”

msevier31: ginny (sister-in-law) just dorpped the "we kick off now?!"
msevier31: "wait, so every time we score, WE have to kick off?"
msevier31: i want to light myself on fire

Fourth and 4, inside the 15 with 30 seconds to go and we kick a field goal!! C’mon, Bobby. Fortune favors the brave, my man. That, AND I took the over. Kicking field goals isn’t gonna get us over 47.5! I need this.

Halftime. We’re up 10-7. I’m switching over to my losing Yankees. (A-rod is now 1/12 in the series against Detroit)

Halftime jawing:

RushOfAdrenalin: texas MAY score a fg from here on out. their offense can' tdo ANYTHING against us
Studlystuf: all I know is that kicking field goals is not going to cover the over, and im not happy about it

We’re back for second half action.

Texas just threw a touchdown!! YES! I cheered out loud for that one, true story. I need the points! It only took them 60 seconds to score. Perfect!
(just go back and read Rush’s, “texas MAY score a fg from here on out.”)

So lemme clarify. Since Texas just scored.. they’re gonna kickoff, right? Is that right?

I haven’t written anything in a while. I’m busy cheering for both teams to score! Any offense showing signs of life, and I’m on the edge of my seat! Go Sooners! Hook ‘em Horns!

Touchdown Texas!! Alright!! I clapped so loud right there. The girl I’m watching with just called me a traitor. Hey, whatever it is. I need the points. 31 points total. Come on guys!! Let’s find that endzone.
(Rush’s prediction of MAYBE a field goal is looking really good)

“Terrel Brown, hanging onto his ankles…” commentary on the tackle. That’s funny.

MOTHERFUCKER! 7-0, tigers. My god! What a horrible day. I’m gonna finish this beer and switch to bourbon…

The announcers in the booth are standing awfully close to each other. I mean, they’re really in there. Right on top of each other. Shoulders are touching. And they’re standing, so its not like the chairs are too close.

We'll just end it there --- fade to black

bruce's question du jour

is tittyfucking overrated or underrated?

whose titties? are you picking up a porn star? I mean, is this your friends sister or Briana Banks? It makes a huge difference...

"yes"

you're not t-fuckin anyone without a decent set (holy geez i wanna lick em). thats a given, thats a given. tell me about ms. banks - how does she compare with the other option?

and by the way. bruce dickinson, much like you shifta, doesnt pick up porn stars. we craft 'em

Best Years Of Your Life!

I'm still waiting to hear whether or not they provide condoms on "Survivor." Are these people not fucking like it's the "Real World?" Don't they have to have a condom bin hidden over by the mini-tiki bar, right next to the espresso machine? (In all seriousness, how much better would this show be if they had free alcohol?) You're only allowed to bring one personal item with you (at least, you used to be able to) If life is about getting off (and it is) then why wouldn't you wanna take condoms? I think it was common to bring a toothbrush, but how many hoo-wah's were bringing their diaphragm? What about guys bringing condoms? I wouldn't take mine for two reasons: A) I don't own any, because I don't use them, and B) I would just assume they would provide them. Then again, now that we're talking about it; why would they provide something nobody really uses?

(Am I the only one that can't wait for this show to go off of the air so we can get a "behind the scenes" look at it? I just know the cameramen are trading squares to the survivors for hundreds of dollars per. "Sure you can have this pack of smokes, but if you win I'm in for 10 stacks, got it?" You telling me these clowns can go from 5 packs a day to nothing, just like that? No chance. They go the first week without a smoke and then see a cameraman light up -- they're like a highschooler on prom night, promising the world for a piece of pussy. "You can have HALF! Just give me one drag!")

Speaking of highschoolers. I went to a highschool football game last night. Good time. It wasn't my old high school (God doesn't let me on that campus...) It was my rival highschool, or so I'm told. I don't feel any rivalry. (they got hammered) I met RushOfAdrenalin up there. His little brother is a senior on the football team. He's very supportive. (That's another blog entirely) But I went for the atmosphere (highschool girls) Here's the thing about highschool girls... they are absolutely on song, my man. Such a treat. They're young, stupid, tight, nowhere near the drain (in most cases) and very willing to please. At least, usually. But this was a private school. And private school girls work on an entirely different scale and timetable. (Althought private schools are the only place you can find a 17 year old sugar mama with a phat allowance) It was mostly just disappointing. But it was still highschool (its like pizza!) and I saw no less than 4 girls I would blaze without even thinking about it, and two of them were Rush's mom & sister. We saw two delicious little blonde hard bodies coming out of the restroom at halftime. Their stuff was so filthy. Everything was working. I don't see anyway that they were students there.

Funny story. When I got there I called Rush to see where he was sitting. I was walking behind a black kid (I assume he was a felon out on parole, or trying to sell drugs or something) trying to clarify Rush's location. And I said, "Are you up high?", but it was really loud and MAY have sounded like "are you high?" The black kid turned around immediately and just stared at me, with that "oh shit" look on his face. I lost it. The laughs started pouring out and his face changed to their other expression, the "fuck you, whitey". I should have busted out "made ya look!"

Why didn't I try to pick up some highschool girls? Look at me, baby! At 50% I'm better than 90% of what's going on here. Would I even need a line? "I can buy you beer! I have my own place .... (and a salary!) and I probably like the same things you do." (laguna beach, cheerleading, and justin timberlake) But no, here I sit, writing a blog about my failure. I bellied up to a buffet of teenage wootus and I came home hungry. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror right now, if I weren't so fucking hawt!

Oh well -- everyone deserves a second chance. When's Homecoming?


for all those who don't watch those vh-1 inside/behind the scenes shows, they always say that condoms are available to contestants on survivor, in the "first aid kit" - to date, they claim none have been used. but you know what they say about those reality "stars" ...theyll have sex with just about anything of their kind. filthy beggars, they go from show (bar) to show (bed).

i love the story about the black. did you ask if he was holding? did you just assume? were you afraid he was gonna gang-bang your ass? i need more insight to the thought process. are you blaming your misstep with the young hotties on this encounter with the knee grow?
did you make moves on rush's sister? meeeow. built for speed or comfort?

girls...ever on time?

im not sure i know a female of "our" generation who is on time, especially when it comes to leaving for trips. car trip, going to the airport to grab a flight, whatever. you bitches are never on time.

my mom, shifta's mom...besides being saints, i guarantee those broads are always ready early. how did this happen?

what got me thinking about this, you might ask. okay, you probably didnt ask, and you might already have blacked out from how boring this is, but im gonna tell you anyways. yawn dickinson (aka the big brother) is headed down to these parts for the big ou-texas (or texas-ou to you longhorns) game this weekend. he: a) doesn't have tickets, b) isn't meeting any friends down here that i know of, and c) isn't staying near deep ellum...suffice it to say, i dont understand why he and the wifey are headed down. maybe they need more cowbell (i apologize for using this, since it is so "mainstream" now, but it seemed so apropos)

anyways, he originally told me they would leave "around 8" -- when i talked to him yesterday to check up on things, i proferred "830" as a leaving time, and he chuckled. he said "i hope to be ready by then, but as for whether ginny will be ready then, we'll see." he was already defeated, you could hear it in his voice. we already knew the story before they told it. there was no way they were leaving before 9. i already assumed this, and he pretty much "knew" it, too. i mean he's married to her, so he has to know by now that she isnt gonna be on time for shit.
for the record, he called me at 915 this morning, and they had just left. high fives all around

my long-time ex was the same way. i recall some long road trip we were supposed to go on, i think maybe driving to new orleans, and i had to wake up even earlier than her to drive to her house before we left town. i show up, and the entire house is dark. somehow i was surprised by this and angrily called...but what can you do? youve got 10 or 11 hours in the car plus the entire weekend with this person. you secretly want to throw punches and burn the house down, then punch them in the throat while theyre crying about it...but for the sake of the trip (and b/c youre a giant pussy...after all, why else are you in a relationship?) you let it go.

i dont understand it. why are saints like bonnie and patty on time, but you slutty younger generation types cant get it together?
one of you silly coozes fill me in...

charter's top value package!

so i got a letter last week, dated september 26, 20006 (sic)
it says my cable company values my business, and they wanted to let me know my promotion is about to expire, after which time it would roll over to "standard" pricing (ie what schmucks pay)...in other words they give these standard rates so that your "discounted" rate looks good. yeah, thats a helluva bargain for 100 bucks! but i digress...

with the threat of my cable bill raising from 100 a month to close to 140 a month, naturally i called. by god, i got a friendly, english speaking lady, and on the first ring no less! she very kindly transferred me to the promotional department, who also answered in one ring. is this 1985? since when do companies answer their phones in a timely manner. im used to "your call is very important to us. we care about our customers. average wait time is 23 minutes" and punching myself in the head and/or putting my cell phone on speaker phone while i take a shit to pass the time. uhh, too much information?

anyways, these technological stalwarts tell me that my promotion expires october 16th or 17th(?) and that i cannot change over until it "slowly runs out" -- swear to god, this is what she told me. oh, you cant put it in your system to automatically switch me over to your new promotion? nope. and i cant switch over now? nope.
so what am i supposed to do? "just call back on the 16th or 17th"
im blown away here. theyve got these massive databases, great technology, etc, and they cant even tell their system to switch me over when my promotion runs out? maybe this IS 1985.

here's to betting that on the off chance i actually remember to call them on one of those days that i have to wait 5-10 minutes to switch over...maybe whoever answers my call will be lucky enough to catch an encore of butt trumpet

cathartic musings

here's a sign you have no interest in the legal profession: today i saw a mailman walking his route and immediately thought "hm, that job pays decently, has good benefits, and at least you get exercise outdoors"

okay, i apologize to all of you kids out there working on your case note, or reading this while trying to stay awake in ADR - it wont make you giggle, and it may not even keep your attention.
who am i kidding - im hilarious and insightful, and you cant wait to see what i have to say. plus, most of you will probably agree with what i have to say.

law school is lame. we dont really learn the status quo of the law or how to be attorneys until we do "real world" work. i say "real world" because i get this strange sense that most practicing attorneys are no more a part of the real world than us lowly law students.

how many of us came to law school because we were tired of the job we were working, or because we didnt want to try to get a real job (either b/c we wanted to delay the onset of adulthood, or because we felt underqualified)?

this whole process seems like such a waste of time and money. certainly there is a better way to indoctrinate us, right? i mean, how much of what you learned last fall can you confidently speak about now? if youre like me, this number is near zero. sure i learned some things, but most of them are not readily recalled.

this is okay though, because i dont really have any interest in "practicing" law in the strict sense of the word. you law school gunners (who have numerous times accused me of being one) enjoy your journey...as i have said from day 1, regardless of my grades, i have no interest in that path. if my grades had stayed where they were after first semester, id be with the rest of these lapdogs and kissasses lining up to be taken advantage of for a hefty price at jones-day or yourmom-mydad. i would have worked these jobs solely for the money, and only long enough to get my student loans paid off and to build some working capital.

[i guess it's a good thing im a fraud and an incredible liar, or i dont know how id pull off these interviews and convince them im somehow interested in what they do]

what am i driving at? nothing at all...just rambling, as usual. it does, however, irritate me that our career services office really only caters to the top 25% (of which i may or may not be a part), and mostly the top 15% or so, in an effort to boost SMU's stats relative to other texas schools. why dont we have a partnership with the cox mba program to share job postings and info between the schools? youre telling me mba students wouldnt potentially be interested in [or valuable to] some of the people who post jobs, and vice-versa? why is this a problem?
what about law students like me who just really dont want to go the traditional route? why are we almost forced down that road without sufficient knowledge or viable options provided?

am i taking crazy pills here? (the answer is yes)

here's what i will leave as a parting nugget. it is my understanding that a good number of attorneys get sucked into the path because of the money, and once they get in and accustomed to that paycheck, they cannot get out, despite being incredibly bored or depressed. take some risks, put your neck out there, and dont settle.

dear god, that was too serious. someone punch me in the throat or give me a bas rutten groinkick

...lets all thank Thomas for sharing...

"Thank you, Thomas."

(if you didn't get that, I'm not sure I want you reading my blog. But you should pick up (download) a copy (of a copy, of a copy...) of Fight Club)

In all seriousness (I giggle everytime I say that on this blog...) Bruce, I hope you feel better now. I thought coming home to Shifta would rejuvenate you. But it sounds like you're still wrestling with that blanket.. in this sea of discontent... Bruce Dickinson says he's bored with life in the district....

I blacked out--
Anyway. I wouldn't even attempt law school. That's most likely just a plumley aftershave balm facesaver, because my grades would never enable me to choose that particular hell. But on the other hand, maybe I'm just too cool to go to law school... I hear the poon is for shit

there's poon in law school?

Where there's women... there's play

...the "any port in a storm" corollary?

deja v-eww

so, the chick you just hooked up with smelled funny.
your buddy since high school has a foot odor problem.
your brother always smells like urine.
granny smells like dead people.

how close do you have to be to [comfortably] tell someone they smell? is it better or worse if you're tight with them?
i think if a buddy of mine smelled bad on a consistent basis, it would be tough to tell him. so im here to say, shifta, please...next time you shower, use soap or bodywash or something. water just isnt enough by itself any more.
all yokes aside, i think id have to be super tight with someone to be able to drop that on them. if it were my brother, i definitely could bc we grew up together.
i legitimately think only shifta and my brother are the ones i could tell there was an odor they were unaware of.

and how the hell do you bring it up with a chick? i think most guys couldnt even bring it up with their wives...so perhaps the only way to do it is after youre finished messing around with her (either after the night, or after the series of hookups, if you can tolerate the smell, dufresne), tell her that her hoo ha smells like raw sewage. the only guy i know who would definitely tell a chick how badly she smelled while hooking up is now engaged. RIP sarver

i think im gonna go shower and light some incense. just thinking of these people makes me want to punch someone's windpipe and light myself on fire

Deja Entend-eww

Look, for the record, I am aware of my odor. I just happen to really like it.

Also -- you don't need to worry about how you tell a girl her pookie has gone sour, you don't tell her since you're obviously not hooking up with her anymore. You just need to tell all of your friends so they don't hook up with her.