broken heart

no, not mine...nor anyone else's that i know.

this is just a short little post to ponder the solid grip on reality that so many "girl groups" have...im speaking specifically about the caption "heartbreakers!!!" below any given photo you may see of these girls. they could be the hottest or ugliest conglomeration in history, it doesnt matter.
how many hearts have you broken ladies? i mean, i assume theyre claiming to be breaking "boys'" hearts, but lets be honest here...a group of 5 girls has probably broken 2-3 hearts max. and the number is more realistically 1 or 0

i think this sort of pseudo-reality (in other words, none at all) helps explain why most female groups feel the need to extrapolate their own group and characteristics to the sex and the city scenario. "oh, she's so charlotte...i hate her" etc.

no you arent charlotte, miranda, samantha, or carrie. and you probably havent broken any hearts either. what is more likely is that your heart has been broken more times than youd like to admit, but when the estrogen-fest begins, its girl power, huzzah heartbreakers.

now excuse me while i order that life-size doll i saw b/c it will probably be a long time before another non-family member female speaks to me...

An important thing to consider when talking about girls breaking the hearts of boys--
It doesn't happen.

How would his heart become broken? You dumped him? And? Oooo, you think you were important to him. You think he loved you. He told you he loved you -- -lest we forget the profound lessons of Chuck P; 10 times out of 10, when a man says "I love you" what he means is "I love this" and as much as we're all going to miss this, trust me, we've already forgotten it by tip off. Or kick off. Or getting off.

I know what it feels like to break a heart, but I'm not sure of this "broken hearted" sensation. I think it feels like your sorority sister giving me a blowjob. Who could know for sure? That's just been my experience...

...with the celebrities

Dancing with the stars? wake me up when it's over...
Skating with the stars? lawsuit waiting to happen...pass the stitches please
Dating with the stars? getting warmer...
Partying with the stars? now we're talking!

look, im saying skating with the stars is just as dangerous, so clearly the makers of these shows dont care about lawsuits. so, why not get some guys like owen/luke wilson, vince vaughn, whoever, plus lohan, reid, hilton, whoever, and have "average" people party with them? or even better, have notoriously big partiers from across america "compete"

each week there could be a challenge or competition in a new venue, and the judges and/or celebrities could decide which partiers rocked it, and which didnt...im just saying, a lot of america would watch this b/c you get to see celebrities partying and everyone make an ass out of themselves.

we already saw tara reid travelling around and making an ass out of herself, so this couldnt be too hard to pull off, right? get some B-listers, give 'em a free tab and whatever else it takes, and make it happen...put it on fox...cha-ching




I love your idea Bruce. I think it's marketable. People would definitely watch it. It's just wild enough. And even if it sucks.... in the words of Seinfeld --
NBC Exec: "Why am I watching it?"
George : "Because it's on TV...."

There you have it.

Canada -- Who mouth kisses? There will be no making out with the talent. You wanna pull Colin into the bathroom stall and "check his temperature" -- service away. But you get anywhere near his mouth and he's bailing. Trust me. Any self-respecting man would be. We all know how it works. Sure, at first it's just some mouth kissing -- next thing you know you're finding boxes of tampax under your sink and she's talking about "her feelings" and "the relationship". Mouth kissing is just the beginning of the end. Or, in our [Bruce & I] case, the end of the beginning...

---P.S. I don't think it needs to be said, but obviously the exception would be girl on girl makeout action.

this just in: black people have darker skin than whites

so theres a story over at yahoo news that says black people are more likely to celebrate MLK day than white people. you can find it here:
MLK blvd

in a related story, white people are more likely to get sunburned than blacks. totally wild and revealing stuff, i know. thats what we strive for here at bigshifta (and over at yahoo, too, apparently)

here's the question, though. what do "the black" (thank you, grandma) do to celebrate? are there picnics? rallies? parades? demonstrations? im incredibly white, so i dont know these things...

i feel i celebrated today though. i enjoyed my day off from school. i didnt have to go check the mail today. with all the sleep i got, i think i may have even had more dreams than MLK!

i really dont know what i, the average (ignorant, racist, selfish, bigoted, misogynistic, ethnocentric) white man, am supposed to do on a day like MLK to "celebrate" ...so i am up for comments or suggestions on what i can do to become a better white man