let us pray

so, my parents got divorced some time near the end of college, i think. within the past year and a half, both have remarried. so, who cares, right?
really my life isnt that much different...the most noticeable is holidays, of course. it's like running a double marathon.
so here's the strangest thing about it, though. both couples (mom/stepdad and dad/stepmom) choose to pray before meals. it isnt that strange or awkward necessarily, but it still throws me off, since we never used to pray before meals, unless it was like a big family gathering, an important meal etc (think: thanksgiving, christmas, easter...)
what i cant figure out, however, is how this all came about. i believe that each of my actual parents is the more religious one of their respective sets, if that makes sense. although my dad and his wifey are probably even on that one.
honestly, it kind of weirds me out to go out to dinner with either side, and get the "do you mind if we pray" request. what if i said yes, i do mind? what if i called them out on the sudden change? would i not be welcomed back by the family?
perhaps even more perplexing is the parallel development. im positive that my mom and dad did not talk to each other and say "oh hey we should always pray before meals now" -- and yet, we pray...how does this happen? am i taking crazy pills here?
the best part is on the rare occasion i get the "would you like to pray for us, mark?" i usually laugh at them and/or say "no i wouldnt, thank you" somewhat smugly -- at this point, i cant tell if theyre serious or yoking

is this post funny? no. it isnt really intended to be entertaining or funny, but i thought it needed to be mentioned. amen.

slayin some hoodrats

okay, heres the scenario. you see a guy talking to a hoodrat chick, showing obvious interest, maybe even giving her the (blow me) eyes.

what do you do if:

1. the guy is a buddy of yours

obviously you owe your buddy a certain level of loyalty -- allegiance, if you will. i think most, if not all of us, if we allow ourselves to be honest, have hooked up with someone, at some point, who could politely be described as questionable or even downright shady. where was the good samaritan to warn you then? if your buddy let you hook up with a chick he knew was a hoodrat, he obviously doesnt have your back like he should. kick him in the testicles...frankly youre lucky to have your wedding tackle in full, operating order after he let you break off a piece of the slutmobile.
think about it -- its just the golden rule, really...you would want your buddy to tip you off that she blew that male stripper after "girls night out" or that she slept with half of her high school and had cervical cancer 2 years ago, right?
really there's no excuse here, unless your buddy has done this to you, or some other extenuating circumstance, like your buddy fucked your mom/sister. otherwise, youre really not that close.


2. the guy is either an acquaintance or just someone you sort of know about

this is where it gets tricky. you have to be careful that these two arent already "dating" or "hooking up" or you could cause more harm than you prevent, including getting your ass kicked by the unsuspecting/unbelieving guy. you could also piss off the chick to the point where she gets her brother and/or some fratastic friends to come after you american history x shower-style.
how exactly do you broach the subject with a guy you dont really know. for example, i saw a known offender at the gym, talking to this guy who works there. he and i are essentially on the "hey whats up" or the head nod acknowledgement level at this point. it has never gone beyond that, and i dont even know his name. however, i started to feel guilty that i wasnt tipping him off to this walking petri dish...hell, maybe he likes 'em dirty. maybe he doesnt think he'll pick anything up if he fucks through the hole in his boxers. or maybe he's planning on goin muddin and just hopes whatever bacteria she harbors are only in the front door and not the back.
either way, im at a loss here, bc i dont need to incur the wrath of anyone else at this point...i think ive filled my quota for the number of people to piss off this month.

there's always next month, though...


Well, obviously it makes Bruce feel better to label people-- and frankly, I'm no different. We here at bigshifta.blogspot feel it's important to be the kind of organization that labels people. What kind of human being are you if you can't pass judgement on people you hardly know? I find if you make up your mind about someone and judge them early on in the game before all the votes have been tallied; you're always right. They always come out to be exactly what you thought they would! How perfect is that? Do you know how good it feels to always be right about people? Bruce and I do; fucking fantastic! It's phenomenal!


Here's the real deal, Holyfield; I'm a sewer shark, baby! That ain't new! I "date" your so-called "hoodrats" almost exclusively. I'm tickled to admit this. This is an untapped (yet extremely tapped....) resource! I feel like I won the fucking lottery, bro. And you're not even playing! I felt like Christmas came early the first time I bagged said creature. It's booty without all the other bullshit attached. Something for nothing; if you will.

you gotta sample the product before you ship it

Studlystuf: lemme ask you this
Studlystuf: why do girls crave man seed so much?
msevier31: well
msevier31: my shit TASTES good
msevier31: but they dont know that going in
msevier31: the good taste is only good for repeat business
Studlystuf: next question
Studlystuf: how do you know your shit tastes so good
msevier31: dude i jank it in my mouth every time
msevier31: you gotta test the broth
msevier31: make sure you didnt oversalt the stew
Studlystuf: too late
Studlystuf: i think i just shot in my shorts

you know how i know you're gay?

Natal Mulligan & Other Pleasantries

msevier31: the real troopers have an abortion and go right back out and fuck
msevier31: its like a puke and rally
msevier31: you cant let that shit faze you
Studlystuf: hitler
Studlystuf: fuck
Studlystuf: puke and rally got me--
Studlystuf: faze?
Studlystuf: really?
Studlystuf: is that right?
msevier31: isnt that the spelling
Studlystuf: i dont know
Studlystuf: is it different than phase
msevier31: i believe that it is
msevier31: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/faze

well, there it is...

also important to notice-- how we get from the superficial to the really important stuff without hesitation. we're not even "fazed" by it...

friday bbq: date rape and douchebags

i was invited to an afternoon bbq by a buddy of mine. he makes good money, and he is accordingly rather generous. i have been invited to a number of events where he provided the food (and often liquor and beer) and usually the most ive brought was a 6-pack of beer and some chips. on the way to the bbq i called to see if he needed anything, and he said no, so i stopped to buy beer. heineken 6pack on sale for 5.99, gotta get it. so i get to the bbq, theyve got coolers of like 30 bud and bud light each. i put my heinekens in and crack open a couple to get the ball rolling. anyways, after a few of those, i switch over to a giant margarita. one of my buddy's friends shows up in the meantime, with nothing, and proceeds to grab a heineken. doesnt ask, just grabs one. i am the only one drinking the heineken, and it is by far the best beer in the cooler, not to mention there would only be 2-3 left at this point. what kind of asshole shows up empty-handed and proceeds to grab a premium bottled beer instead of drinking the shitty domestic cans like everyone else? this isnt a cost issue, nor did i need all 6 heinekens (even though i ended up having 7 beers total), but this motherfucker took 2 of my heinekens without ever asking anyone if they were claimed. clearly these green bottles stick out...i just dont understand whats going on here. dont be an asshole, random-beer-stealing-dude

on a side note, i mention that i had a giant margarita. i did not make this margarita for myself, nor did i see it made. however, i have come to the swift and undeniable conclusion that i was a victim of attempted daterape. i blacked out at some point last night, passed out by 830, and i felt horrible all day today. headache all day, stomach a little off, kinda slow.
its a good thing i didnt hook up last night, or i might be filing charges! date rape, or the attempt thereof, is NOT a laughing matter ;)

im with you --- there was something in your margarita... its called tequilla. and it always does that. its horrible shit. horrible.

no! you dont know...you werent there! ive NEVER felt like this before *wink*
youre such an insensitive prick to doubt and mock me