driving thoughts

a couple thoughts related to driving:

a) women + cell phone + car = bad idea. i watched a lady on her cell phone trying to navigate a parking lot, and it was a miserable failure. she was trying to drive with 1 hand like she would ordinarily drive with 2 -- you know the "hand over hand" technique.
why is it that people (women) have trouble realizing you can drive with 1 hand? what do they think people with a stick shift do? its okay to grab a hold of the steering wheel and move it with just your 1 hand. or gosh, if youre making a turn, you could even place pressure in one spot on the wheel and use it to turn that way. shocking revelations, i know

b) can people in motorized wheelchairs be cited for DUI? i helped a guy in a motorized wheelchair get a nice, cool, miller lite tallboy off the shelf today at walmart...then i realized that he was obviously intending to drink this as soon as he left the store, and i had seen him navigating his way through traffic to get to walmart (i drove past him on the way there). certainly someone like this is as much a danger to himself and others in traffic as someone who is drunk in a car, right? i really dont know the law here, but its kind of funny to think about

bruce dickinson's advice du jour (its the advice of the day)

mmm, that sounds good. ill have that

the topic today is chicks and strip clubs

taking chicks to strip clubs = awesome
taking exes or "undefineds" to strip clubs = dicey

look, rolling with chicks to a strip club can be awesome, and certainly can make you feel like less of a creepy ass dude. its kind of a way to stand out from the dorks, losers, lonely guys, and husbands who married ugly. "look at me, i can get ass from these chicks when we leave. i just come here for the beer (tits)"

but youre playing with fire if you take an ex or an undefined with you. this experience can be tantamount to a threesome where you pay all the attention to the other chick. it's at least the emotional younger sister of this scenario. the more alcohol thats involved, the more the estrogen is going to fight to come out. this may manifest itself in hateful glares, smacks in the arm, tearful trips to the bathroom, who knows.

oh well, do what you gotta do. if you take a chick to the strip club and get her drunk, theres a 30-50% chance you're gonna see her tits (this number is closer to 100 if she works in a service industry, thinks shes hot and/or loves her tits, or wants to get your attention), and if youve ever nailed her, theres probably an equally great chance of a monumental meltdown.

hooray boobies. boo estrogen.

PnP

welcome back to our sexual depravity series. thanks for rejoining us for part 2.

P-n-P, its dyn-o-mite. oh wait, the song says "t-n-t" my bad.
anyways for those of you wondering (all 3 of you), PnP is short for poop and pee.

i feel like ive discussed it before, but i have alzheimers, so im gonna write about it anyways. the good news is, at least i dont have alzheimers.

i dont think id call myself crazy and sexually adventurous. i mean im sure in the right circumstances, id be willing to try some stranger things like hot wax or weird gadgets (not toys, perverts. i gave up butt plugs 2 years, and ive been cold turkey ever since), but nothing too far out there. so, i may not be wildly adventurous, but im certainly more open to things than many (cf. butt plugs).

but...

what the hell is up with the scat play and the water play? unless youre freezing and dying of hypothermia, i cant envision a reason you might say to someone "please. pee on me. just do it man, come on, i cant wait." forget the jellyfish rubbish, too. that aint true.
you know what, though? urine isnt the end of the world, and im sure at some point in your life after the age of 2, you have dribbled a little on your hand (mouth) or clothes. you wash up, and you move on.
but dude, shit? the look, the smell, all of it. wrong. in fact, im sure you squirmed, gagged, or otherwise felt slightly unpleasant at the suggestion of it. i wont even bother to consider the people who eat it.

i really think if you get turned on by peeing/shitting on someone, or having someone do either of these things to you, you may not be safe to walk around the streets. youve got some serious issues to clear up.
if youve had so much sex that youve "literally" (obviously figuratively) tried everything, and you think water play is the next step to sexual enlightenment, maybe you should just sit a few rounds out. set down the cocktail, put up the bottle of xanex, and lets just evaluate our situation.

3 categories of male masturbation

welcome to part 1 of our sexual depravity series. lets get started...

as the title suggests, im going to break down male masturbation into 3 easy categories...just b/c you know you were curious

1. "realistic" masturbation
this category is filled with past hookups. any chick (dude?) youve hooked up with is fodder for the realistic masturbation category -- think of it as a fallback. im not feeling too creative, so ill play fireman to that one chick i nailed (oh youre nailin me. cool) on prom night.
within this category of people youve hooked up with is also perhaps uncharted territory with those people. maybe you wish you had borked her in her dad's cadillac or bent her over in the shower and smacked her ass. we'll include those here, though they may gray into category #2

2. 'realistic fantasy" masturbation
in this category, im going to put chicks you maybe just kissed...or chicks you almost hooked up with...really anyone you have seen and/or interacted with more than once or twice. youre familiar enough to paint a good picture (map of hawaii).
it could be very average and boring in your masturbatory world, or it could be things that are illegal in 41 states. either way, its chicks you "know" but not in the biblical sense

3. fantasy masturbation
this category is mostly saved for supermodels, celebrities, and that one really hot chick you saw at the gym or the mall. the chances of you hooking up with these people is close enough to 0 that we can effectively call it 0, hence the name.

id be willing to say most guys visit each category at one time or another, but id also be willing to say they hit one category more than the other 2.
of course i wouldnt know, because i dont masturbate. it's a sin, and if you do it, youre going to hell.

hey ugly guys, i've got a question

how do you manage to get these dime-piece girlfriends?
are you their coke supplier? do you have ridiculous amounts of money? are you the greatest magician of all time?

yea, it must be magic to get stuck in a relationship....
i thought magic was getting OUT of jail, copperfield. Not in


magician in the sense of smoke and mirrors...how trolls even get the attention of some of these beautiful babies is well beyond me (wait, scratch that. alcohol and drugs are amazing)