"so i was flippin channels the other day..."

that still stands as one of the greatest story lead-in/disclaimers of all time. 60% of the time someone says this, it involves porn every time

anyways i was flippin channels the other day, and i ended up on hbo or showtime...one of the premium channels that i pay too much money for.
it gave some statistic like 50-75% of men who participate in the gay porn movies are heterosexual.
umm...what? last time i checked, if you suck a dick, fuck a dude, or let a dude fuck you, youre NOT heterosexual. youre bisexual or thehomogay.
letting a dude blow you isnt gay though...its just a brojob.
kudos to those of you who noticed that getting blown wasnt listed in the "that makes you gay" checklist.

make love to me!

im not sure where this post is going, so lets just roll with it.

ive decided that the concept of love is merely a chemical thing, so the idea of "making love" is a little convoluted...a misnomer, even.

i think making love should really not be at all tied to sex, at least in the way that it currently is in the minds of most people. it is related to sex, b/c my concept of making love is what turns women on and butters them up to spread the legs and open the vazhine for business.

if i am forced to think of making love in terms of sexual activity, i think of boring, lifeless sex. id rather have a blowjob, thanks.

now if we realign our thinking, i guess making love is an okay concept, if youre into relationships and caring about people other than yourself.
i think making love is doing the nice, sweet stuff for your mate. a gentle caress, a nice massage (foot, back, neck, or clitoris), a thoughtful gift, a romantic dinner. you get the idea. things that truly express a selfless character and show that you care about this person.
i really think these things should not get tied up in sex at all, unless you want to be bored. you might as well fuck a corpse (again). if you try to do the cliche romantic "love making" youre just gonna wonder what else is out there.

make love outside the bedroom, and make scars in the bedroom. really get in there nice and deep. slap, scratch, pull hair, scream in delight, if youre into that sort of thing. throw in the occasional dirty comment like "fuck me your majesty," "you like this cock, dont you," "fill me," and "show me your face you dumb cunt" (thank you, max hardcore), and i think youre set.
just keep love out of the equation for everyone's sake.

a letter to your full-figured friend

dear fat girl with large cans, (maybe FWJ for short - fatty with jugs?)

im onto you. yeah, thats right. i see the david copperfield shit you're trying to pull off by accentuating your giant mammaries.

you may fool other (black, hispanic, or otherwise desperate) people by flaunting your bags of fun, but i'm not fooled. i still see the cottage cheese on your thighs and that tasty pudge you call your stomach.

you don't turn me on. work on it.

yours truly,
bruce

get an edge on life (death) in the army!

im not going to name any names (snort), but a female i used to work with apparently joined the navy. way to think that one through. what, all the cults were full, and you couldnt find anyone to marry you, so you went with the next best (worst) thing and signed your life away to "the service"?

you are, of course, aware that there is a major war/conflict going on in the world, with no discernible end in sight?

look, i dont give a shit if you are serving your country or you think theres some sort of civic duty involved. its fucking stupid. why dont you just fly over to afghanistan or the african jungle if you wanna die so badly? at least you might make the news that way...when you die in iraq, youre just a number.

all im saying is, if you needed some escape, use some drugs or see a therapist.
if you were bored, candystripe a cancer ward or start a new job.
if you needed money, find a sugar daddy.
if you wanted to be brainwashed and have someone control your life, join a cult. at least in a cult, if you decide to jump ship, you dont go to the brig. i understand these military types dont take too kindly to you bailing on them.

but hey, congratulations on all your success, you smell terrific.
at least *someone* is trying to hit bottom.

what not to say

maybe i can make this an ongoing theme on the blog, since i am a pest

apparently when a buddy gets engaged, it's not acceptable to write on his facebook wall (from wedding crashers of course) "just a couple of kids who like to fuck trying to make it honest. i get it"

write that down