random tidbits

let's start with a definition:
awkward
-adj.
1. lacking skill or dexterity; clumsy
2. lacking grace or ease in movement
3. lacking social graces or mannners
see also asking your friend, whose father recently died, if he was going home for father's day.


in unrelated news, i had a female recently tell me that she had an eating disorder in grade school. is this even possible? i thought girls that age just ate chips, sandwiches their mommy made them, and my semen. i told her that didnt count as an eating disorder b/c it's too early. sounds more like a cry for help or shaping good lifestyle choices early.
jury's still out, but she definitely doesnt have an eating disorder problem now, as far as i can tell...she may have a drinking disorder problem, though...but let's be honest, was she blessed with a gift (the 8 ball says all signs point to yes) or cursed with a curse


sticking with the random bits of information (so you know its good)...
there was an exchange between 3 of us at work the other day. one of the guys was getting me a refill, and i said yeah diet coke, thanks. so the third guy, who is 31 or 32 years old, asked why would someone drink a diet coke instead of just drinking a coke.
so i said "well a coke is just 140 or 150 worthless calories"
his response..."how many calories are in a diet coke?"
"um, zero"
"but doesnt it still have a lot of sugar in it"
[now im sure he's an idiot...who doesnt know that sugar = calories. put it together, chump]

how can you even live in society, let alone a shallow place like dallas, and not know that a) diet coke has zero calories and b) if something doesnt have any calories, it therefore cannot have any sugar in it? simply stunning.

God doesn't have the balls to take me

it just occurred to me that bruce & i may be the modern-day prometheus.

for those of you that don't know, prometheus was a greek titan that stole the secret of fire from zeus and gave it to humanity. his punishment was to be chained to the top of a temple or something and an eagle would fly down during the day and eat out his liver. only, since he was immortal, his liver kept growing back. so he had to endure this pain every single day.

anyway -- my point is; somehow bruce and i managed to conjure up the secrets of the gods, clearly. and we're trying to impart this precious shit on humanity. and, i think our punishment is probably the eating of our liver by our good pal jim beam.
oh well...

that is all

um, your asshole is bleeding, sir

look, i dont know what hemorrhoids are, and hopefully i will never find out first hand.
all i know is that it's something painful involving the asshole and skin and inflammation. those words together sort of make me go a big rubbery one.

anyways, you'll see where im going with this in a second.

as i am leaving the gym, i go to fill up my water bottle so i can sip a little on the way out to my car, and as im approaching the water fountains (there are 2 next to each other) i see this sweaty guy hunkered over one of them, with 2 fairly large, rather conspicuous dark spots on the back of his cotton shorts. the kind of cotton they make "sweatpants" out of.
naturally i think "oh man, this guy has shit stains on his pants," but as i approach, i see that it isnt quite the right color...so i begin to think oh this must be his work shorts, like he paints in them or something. as i get closer, i see that it is fucking blood red, and i still (for my own sanity) assume it is paint. but on closer inspection, this was definitely fresh from the sweating moosey's ass.

i just felt like you needed to know these things.

naturally, one has to wonder what youre doing hammering away on the stationary bike if your ass is sore, hemorrohoidal, or otherwise apt to bleed...