god: giving it up(date)

msevier31: were you the tourney mvp
VbSmO481: they dont have that...but like the order they call it, the one with the most scores is last and i was last for all conf and all tourn
VbSmO481: but im not bragging
VbSmO481: God gave me the talent

...and the darwin award goes to

i was at the good ol walmart neighborhood market this afternoon, buying some groceries and sundry items...i happened to be looking for cedar balls or some other anti-moth device that didnt involve moth balls and that wretched smell that reminds you of 80 year old nooners. or maybe thats just me

mid-sentence, this guy some up with a bottle of ammonia.

"sorry to bother you," or something like that, "but could you tell me if this is pneumonia or ammonia"
i pause...wait for the laugh...look at the walmart worker. nothing. he's SERIOUS
"oh, no...well, thats ammonia" i said
"well whats the difference between ammonia and nuh-monia"
"um, pneumonia's a disease"
"oh. okay, cuz i cant spell"

Eh, What's Up, Doc?

When you call to make an appointment with your doctor, why do you always have to tell the receptionist what its about? Am I the only one who is annoyed by this? Do I have the only doctor with this kind of receptionist? This really bothers me. "I'm calling because I need to see a doctor, you dumb slut." I obviously have medical questions, and you're not a doctor so I don't think it concerns you. You're not even a nurse. And when I do tell you whats wrong with me, the nurse and/or doctor asks me again at my appointment anyway, so it's not like you're taking down notes for them to save time or anything. You're just nosey as far as I can tell. Just make the appointment. Isn't that what you're paid to do? (If you care that much, just go pull my file after my appointment, miss nosey. If you just have to know)

It's not that I have some really embarrassing condition. I could be calling to get a flu shot. The point is, it's none of your damn business. Honestly, it's between the doc and I. The receptionist at a lawyers office wouldnt ask you about your case. The high school grad working the phones at your shrinks office wouldn't ask how suicidal you're feeling today. I mean, can you imagine if other "confidential" professions behaved this way.

"The law offices of shifta & dickinson, how can I help you?" Yea, I need to make an appointment with the bad boys. "Oh, really, what is it you're needing their services for?" Legal problems. "Yes, I understand, but what specifically did you do?" Oh, I shot a bunch of people and buried them in my backyard. Don't tell anyone. "Alright, one moment."
It's absolutely absurd. You'd call your shrink, "Why do you need to see the 'doctor'? I'm feeling very unstable and thinking seriously about taking my own life because I'm a worthless human being. "Uh huh, and what specifically is bothering you?" My wife slept with my brother and I'm not feeling too great about it. "Ok, one second, dear."

I mean, this shit would never fly. But at the doctor, its expected. Have you ever tried NOT to tell the receptionist what its about? They take it so personally. Like, who do you think you are, you don't have to tell ME, the girl who answers phones and makes appointments, what your medical situation is. How dare you! I make copies of insurance cards all day, and you think you can go over my head straight to the doctor?!
I think next time I call, I'm gonna shoot a "I don't really want to discuss it with his receptionist" over the bow, see how she takes it. I'll just plan on waiting 2 or 3 weeks to get the appointment, but it will be so very satsifying. Maybe when she asks what its about I should just come back with, "Oh, am I speaking with the doctor right now? Oh, oh, I'm not. I see, you're just the answering machine." I mean, if you're the one I need to talk to about my shit, then why am I even bothering coming in next week to see the real doctor. Fuck. Why don't you just call in a prescription for me. I have the internet. I already know what he's gonna give me. Oh, that's right, you have no medical authority. You have no power. You work behind a drive-thru sliding glass window all day. Think about THAT for a while.

And don't even get me started on the people that work at the pharmacy. My God. You're like a glorified librarian. Somewhere along the line someone gave you a white coat and you forgot how stupid and useless your job is.


god you're ANGRY! ...i love it
i think i could actually hear the ire of larry david shining through

as for these hostesses (isnt "receptionist" what chicks who used to be hostesses in high school end up doing when they break up with their 4-year boyfriend and drop out of wherever U), i have no idea why they ask. they probably dont know why they ask either. there isnt a lot firing in those receptionist synapses, as far as i can tell.
i imagine most of them wish they didnt ask. old people telling you about their asshole rotting off from the diarrhea caused by the interaction of the 20 pills a day theyre popping. you get the [messy] idea.
let's just attribute it to being nosey, so we dont have to think about grandma jones and the clap.

i think the standard office procedure goes like this:
1. you call and ask to schedule an appointment, the first time you have to tell someone that youve got anal warts and need them checked out
2. you show up, fill in paper work, and often this is the second occasion you get to tell about those illustrious anal warts
3. "the doctor will see you now" -- in other words, the nurse or nurse practitioner (or whatever you call the overweight sweaty lady who weighs you and takes your pulse) will now ask you why you came in. this is at least the 2nd time, probably the 3rd time you have to disclose the anal warts. bitch, if your doctor cant get a message from his receptionist, and he cant read the fuckin shit i just scribbled on, what makes you think he's gonna listen to your stupid ass? take a break and go have a cheeseburger in the cafeteria
4. "the doctor will be in in a moment" -- 95% of the time, this is going to be more than 5 minutes. they dont know WHATS going on, so theyre thumbing through their giant encyclopedia so they can figure out what to say about your anal warts. but of course, even though they know you have anal warts, theyre gonna ask you why you came in.
cut the foreplay and just treat my anal warts, doc. i dont understand this little game. sure you went to a hard medical school, but does that entitle you to toy with me about my anal warts? [the answer is obviously yes, if you have anal warts. you deserve all derision that comes your way] generally speaking, you just want to get in, get the prescription for your illness [chlamydia] and move on to the "glorified librarian"

i think the pharmacy is a separate column all its own, and im not prepared to get bill simmons on that one yet. lemme know if you fire one up, and ill gladly pile on, though

Dead Man Walking

Do you think being a Baptist is like living a life on parole? If you sin (break the law), you're going to Hell (jail). If you don't meet regularly with God (your parole officer) you're going to Hell (the pokey).
But what was your first crime? (Yes, other than being a baptist) Why are you on parole? And who was your lawyer? I think you got fucked...
You should've contacted the law offices of Shifta & Dickinson. We can get anyone 'off'... get it?
(Our best defense is a good offense!) I think we can prove that you only acted under coercion. You were brainwashed and lied to from an early age. You're the victim here! Of course, by me saying all of this, I'm probably going to be held in contempt & wind up in jail (Hell).

Righteous Judges!!

R.I.P.

what is up with only the most amazing human beings dying? is this some crazy coincidence? Things like this make me give it up to God for giving me the ability and the strength to be a horrible person. If it were God's plan to make me a great person, I could be dead by now.

Why is it when someone dies, suddenly everyone is lining up to tell us what a great guy he was! I'm not saying these (dead) people aren't saints, but come on. If this guy was such a perfect person, then why was everyone so indifferent towards him for his entire life. Then only in death everyone suddenly wakes up and realizes, "Holy shit, that guy was probably THE BEST guy I'd ever met. How did I not realize it before?!"

All of these average people are walking around, having some successes, having more failures, annoying people, acting like idiots, taking care of numero uno, lying, cheating, stealing. Whatever it is. They're just like everyone else. Then they die, and its like the guy spent his entire lifegiving, living selflessly in a monestary in the mountains, giving everything he ever had to the starving children of war-torn.. wherever. It's like they're all superman; in death.

Nothing against Cory Lidle. But c'mon. In the last 20 minutes I've heard nothing but what a great guy he was, such a great competitor, a great teammate, the kind of guy you want to be around and feel privileged to play with, he was always so up beat and it was contagious! He brought everyone around him up and he was such a pleasure to play with. Yada yada yada --- he played for 7 different teams in 9 years! Was he really all of those things you just said? Really? Sounds pretty indispensible to me...


I'd like to extend my sympathies to his family. Not only was he an outstanding ballplayer; he was an outstanding man. Really.

sage bruce's advice du jour

i think when they (the government?) talk about relationships involving/requiring compromise, they dont mean to compromise your interests, principles, and overall sense of self.

give it up to god

i dont have a preface, so im gonna jump right in.

when an artist (or athlete) gives it up to god, it still shocks the senses, even though it is as mainstream as those gold livestrong bracelets. rapper wins an mtv award, goes on stage with his crunk juice, and says "first of all, i just wanna thank gawd...just give it up to gawd" (i spell it gawd b/c of the awesome way they [mis]pronounce it).
this appreciation for their supposed savior is followed by a lot of yelling, self-glorification, and the occasional profanity-laced tirade.

uhh...are you sure god wants to be thanked? ...to be given credit? ...to be associated with *that*? i cant imagine god is poppin his collar, throwin his hood up, yellin "thats my nigga," poppin and lockin at your recognition of him


while we're on the topic of thanking god, something shifta and i have talked about briefly, and which i will only touch on, because i imagine he has some juice in him, and i dont want to prevent him from really exploring the space. why is "i give all the credit to god" a free pass to be a total self-righteous and egotistical jackass? people pepper that in the beginning and end of some conceited rant about how perfect they are and how amazing theyve been, and suddenly we're not supposed to want to chokeslam them? how does that work?
as far as im concerned, im more ready to throw down in fisticuffs after the "i give it all to god" card is played than if i could just dismiss the person as a shallow, vapid waste of space

Agree with you more, I could not. I always get a huge kick out of people "giving it up to God first and foremost", "thanking God for blessing me", "for giving me the ability to come out here and... [whatever]". It's a riot. It's the perfect defense for anything and evertyhing. Anytime you fuck up or fail, it was clearly just not God's plan for you to be badass. You didn't suck. You didn't lose. God just wants a different path for you. If you're completely narcissistic, egotistical, glib, arrogant, and similar to Bruce & I in any other ways, it's just God's plan. You are the way you are through Christ (all things are possible!) and you're only that way because God has allowed you to be so amazing.

Here's what I don't get. People are always so willing to give God all the credit for anything awesome they do, or anything good that happens to them, but when the shit hits the fan; nothing. (I think I just defined Christianity...)
You'll admit that it was God that told you to to join the seminary and become a preist, but what about when you were tempted to fuck all those little boys? Also God? What about when you cheated on your history midterm? Your brother's death? Are you thanking God for all of this? Giving it up to God for all the shit you got away with (or not)? For all the pain and suffering that is life?

Yea, me neither...

as a side note -- how much do you LOVE how ESPN is introducing the teams this year on MNF? Letting the players do it through pre-recorded bits that they show during the game. That shit kills me! If you wanted to show everyone how ghetto the NFL really is, you couldn't have come up with a more effective way. (well, except for reality shows) But this is almost just as good, because you get to hear them do the talking. They introduce their teammates, and use their nicknames and all that jazz. Its very colorful. How are these guys not involved in more shootings? (I think that guy just had a grill! Yes!) And if the introductions aren't enough, just look at everyone's eyes in the pre-recorded interviews. How chonged are these idiots? The NFL drug policy is clearly very effective and strictly enforced. Thank you Jesus!

your quality of life just improved

at the gym this morning (shocker i know), there were only a few people, because apparently the undergrad utopians have fall break. where's a molotov cocktail when you need to wreck a land rover?
anyways, one person in particular stuck out. we'll call her fatty mcgee.
well, ms mcgee decided to do her own calesthenics and step aerobics workout. in plain view. for everyone's viewing pleasure.
let's paint this pretty picture. it was like the numa numa kid in drag. hair dissheveled, face flushed, arms flailing, loose skin (and fat) jiggling.

these are just things you needed to know to start your week off right

baseball, baseball...catch the hiv now

a couple things to start with--

1. how drunk was shifta when he posted the running commentary from the game? strong to quite strong? i coulda gone for some time stamps in there somewhere. oh well, i appreciated it anyways

2. notice the title of the post. it used to be catch the fever now. fever could go either way, but the hiv is only bad. you figure it out.

so, yankees go from kings of the world in game 1 to goats of the world by the end of game 2. how does this happen? i think they scored a total of 6 runs over the last 3 games of the series, 5 of which came on home runs, and 2 of which were "throwaway" runs at the end of an 8-3 loss to close out the series.
how do you have those bats, and no one but posada and jeter can hit anything? even those guys were swinging at shit in the dirt. and i KNOW detroit's pitching isnt that amazing, though rogers, bonderman, and verlander all stepped it up a notch against the yankees this time around.
love em or hate em, playoff baseball isnt the same without the yankees around.

then youve got the twins, who seemed to be everyones second favorite pick to win it all. how do they not take barry zito deep in counts? under no circumstances should johan go 8 strong innings like he did and lose to barry zito. that just means your offensive scheme is wrong and/or your batters are all morons. im gonna go with a little of column b, and a lot of column a.
swept by the As, and they couldnt even get huston street to blow a save. someone smash my kneecap with a lead pipe.

lets switch to the farm team playoffs:
the mets swept the dodgers...without their two best playoff pitchers even on the roster. im gonna blame this one on the dodgers being TOO veteran. and by veteran i mean old and injured. oh, and theyre in the national league, which is a joke.

cardinals-padres. wake me up after poo holes wins game 4 for the cards.

you know what this means? we're gonna have an As-tigers alcs, and a cards-mets nlcs.
in other words, a national league team has a legitimate shot at winning the world series (and thank god, you know...), and it also means i dont give a shit about anyone involved.

how many millions of dollars have been lost now that the yankees are out of it? we had a chance at a subway series for the champsionship, and we're gonna end up with motherfuckin mets-tigers or some other disgusting and vomit-worthy match up.

how do you even hype this up? the hard-working team from detroit lost 110 games just 3 years ago (and a week ago you probably didnt know 3 guys on the team)!! oakland has been under the radar all season (and you still cant name more than 3 guys on the team)!! the mets play in the national league and havent had to work hard all year!! the cardinals' entire offense is based around poo holes, and no smart manager will pitch to him!!
its baseball, its october! catch the hiv! (i heard they toyed around with "we got next" but it was already taken)



on second thought, maybe you shouldnt wake me up after the cards win the division series.

...unless the next installment of the inferno or other realworld/roadrules challenge is on (i think it premieres this week!)

Here’s what you need to know about playoff baseball. It’s stupid.

I could have just left it with that. But I have more to say, unfortunately. Why are we still playing a 5 game ALDS? Anyone? Anyone? You play a 162 game season, and then try and keep the playoffs as short as possible? That makes sense. I'm still waiting for them to announce that they're switching to a best of 7 ALDS, and they forgot to mention it, but yanks/tigers game 5 is tomorrow night in NY. I'm not even sure that we could win a best of 7 against the uber tigers, but I am fairly certain that Arod would be on the bench for the remainder of the series, and that would bring me some joy.

I think "we got next" is perfect for the national league. They're the "absolut corollary" to the WNBA. They're the JVMLB. That ain't new, baby! It's been that way for years. How can you ever take an NL team seriously? Anytime someone elevates their game to that next level, they get "called up" and traded to an AL club. That's how the world works. How can an 8 man lineup beat a 9 man lineup? How can your pitchers ever get better when they're facing a bunch of quadruple-A hitters? Why are they nurturing mediocrity? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

That's it, I'm through...