prepare to be offended

quite a disclaimer for this blog, right? well, there's an implied disclaimer on every post, but this one is extra special (but not to guys)

diamonds are a girl's best friend? are you sure about that? i think the existence of ruffies is a girl's best friend. why? plausible deniability

(before i go further, i want to "apologize" to all of you who have actually been drugged...BOTH OF YOU)

oh, you fucked an ugly guy and got pregnant? it must be that you were drugged, instead of just getting really drunk and making a stupid decision.
wait, alcohol has coercive effects, too, you know? just be like a guy and own up to it, you fucking harlot! a guy says "holy shit what did i do? oh well, moving on" rather than propagating some (more than likely) false story involving some hollywood plot to drug you.
oh, i forgot...youre really hot, and every guy is trying to get with you *rimshot* i guess we forgot about everyone beating down your door trying to get laid

next time i get with a sub-par chick (which could be as early as 430 today), i think i will use the excuse that i was drugged. no more of this double standard bullshit, im not gonna own up to anything either!

short and powerful

what if you ignore someone, and they dont notice or care?

dane cook is NOT jesus christ

when did dane cook achieve "lord and savior" status? honestly, i think the guy is hilarious, but the way some people suck him off is unbelievable.
how many times have you seen one person mention dane cook, get a blank look from a second person, and then freak out (and you have to know times and people this has happened to, unless you stay holed up in your little masturbatory love nest all the time...no wait, thats me. but i digress). YOU DONT KNOW WHO DANE COOK IS?! wow, are you serious, man? thats, like, the worst thing ever.
of course there are variations on how you can phrase that question, depending on how patronizing you are (there's just so many ways to say it, shifta) YOU dont know who dane cook is? you dont know who DANE COOK is?
admitting to a dane cook "fan" that you dont know who he is seems to conjure up the equivalent reaction of a bible-beating door-to-door religion salesman. they get quiet, then sad. then they want to "save" you by turning you onto some of their master's work.
why is it so offensive if i havent heard of dane cook? why do i need to be "enlightened"? its like larry david says...just b/c i like lobster doesnt mean i am gonna try to convince everyone else to try the lobster. youre not making any money off of dane cook, so what do you care if i know it? is it b/c thats the only funny comments you have in life, and youre afraid im not going to appreciate how "witty" you are? dont worry, i lost interest a while ago, i just didnt have the heart to tell you...

(for the record, i like dane cook's work, as i said...i just dont understand the fervor of some people to insist that others must know his yokes)

most females = not (intentionally) funny

i dont understand...why are most females just not funny? i mean, did humor evolve while men were out hunting and just sitting there bored, waiting on some meat to come along, and the women didnt have an equal opportunity to interact and develop a sense of humor?
i really dont understand, but the % of females who are funny is guaranteed to be much lower than males...i need some insight from you sociologists and psych majors out there -- for once do SOMETHING productive/beneficial with your major, you sucker
two caveats here
1. obviously some women are funny - and those who are funny only seem that much funnier b/c their peers are probably about as funny as a burned scrotum (it's never proper to imply ownership in the event of a burned scrotum...we use the indefinite article *a* scrotum - never *your* scrotum)
2. women are unintentionally hilarious all the time. if you need this explained to you, either your IQ is below 90, you've got a frontal lobotomy, or you're a woman (and i suppose these arent mutually exclusive categories, either)

okay, back to the lab - doc is makin me watch videos of hot (underage) teenage girls and listen to beethoven's 9th
probably more on this later...shifta, feel free to take the torch like muhammad ali (notice i didnt say take it and run with it)