Half the rent has to come from somewhere

So, we’re watching “Old School” the other day, and my roommate says to me, “doesn’t that guy look like Brad Pitt?” I know what you’re thinking, “what guy?” But that’s the point, it doesn’t matter what guy. I’m sure you’ve seen “Old School”, and did you ever, at any point during the film, recall thinking to yourself that anyone in that movie even slightly resembled Brad Pitt, at all? I didn’t think so. This is almost as disturbing to me as the time he told me his mother likes to chew on matches. “It’s just salt”, he says. What am I supposed to do with that?

Welcome to the Desert of the Real...

Here’s the sad, unfortunate truth; my life can be reduced to 5 (maybe 6) activities that I am, at all times, doing (save a few unwelcome interruptions). I would venture to say that almost HALF of my time (awake, because sleeping is 1 activity) is spent watching television (another activity). At least, that’s how I rationalize our colossal cable bill. I’m not kidding. I watch a healthy amount of television and I love every minute of it.

Let us first establish that reality TV is not real, but an obscene fabrication and I love it. This love is very, very strong. It’s not the kind of love you might have for say, a woman. This is that kind of love that you reserve for things like alcohol and gambling. Could you live without? Maybe, but why would you ever try? Reality television doesn’t have to be real. In fact, I would submit to you that it’s better because it’s not real. To borrow from Chuck Palahniuk, “reality means you live until you die. The real truth is nobody wants reality.” You see, we don’t want reality TV, because this is more entertaining. So, if it bothers you to say “reality TV”, then just refer to it as “the most entertaining television.”

Case in point: The Bachelor(ette). Yes, I’ve seen a few episodes of this crap, and I’m still of the opinion that it’s crap. Watching two idiots gush over one another up in a hot-air balloon on some fantasy date is not my idea of entertainment. Then again, I lack a second X chromosome that would allow me to create the false reality in which these things actually happen to people. (you women are just setting yourselves up for disappointment)
Back to bones – Throwing a dozen beautiful women at some shmuck that can’t get a date on his own (yes, reflexive pronoun) is a stretch, but ok, it’s still real, though absurd. Putting them all up in a mansion, pouring copious amounts of alcohol down their throats (in the form of wine and champagne so it still appears classy), dressing everyone to the nines, and planning the most romantic (read: painful to watch) dates for them – so the women are guaranteed to fall in love – is where they lose me on the whole “reality” thing. But, that’s fine, because it’s entertaining. People are entertaining, and the people are real. And by real, I mean attention starved lunatics that are obviously out of their fucking minds. And by that, I mean these are people we hope we’re not, but we wish we knew.

I’ve personally come up with some really great reality TV ideas, but none have yet reached audiences, which is a crying shame. Even if I had the money to start something, my first thought is always, “I’ll never find enough people who would actually agree to take part in this.” My second dilemma is, “something this awesome could only get airtime on HBO or SHOWTIME.” But, even without my twisted contribution to reality television, there is a golden child out there carrying the torch for me. FOX is churning out some really sick (fantastic) themes these days. Not only do they have the capital to get this shit rolling, they apparently are having no trouble filling the spots with suckers perfectly willing to sacrifice their self-respect, credibility and image. This reaffirms my hopes for the human race. It’s comforting to know that there will always be those people awesome enough to come up with these ideas and more than willing to take complete advantage of other people, in order to bring it to me on television once a week. Things are looking good…

The unintentional comedy of most reality television (even when they have the forethought to advertise said program as a comedy) is immeasurable. I tried to narrow down my favorite moments for some sort of top 10, but there’s just too many (and my memory is not what it was before I dropped out of school and went on a six month bacchanalian). One big one – check that, one massive moment – was William’s departure speech from “The Benefactor”. The show sucked hard, and so did William, but my god if he doesn’t win the blue ribbon for unintentional comedy. He actually united all of the championship belts: “Most pathetic moment on television”, “Biggest Unscripted Onscreen Meltdown”, “I Can’t Believe He Just Did That on Camera”, and “Most Unlikely to Ever Be Taken Seriously, In Life, Again”. For those of you that caught this, treasure it, because I have a feeling William will be the reigning champ for a long, long time. Mark Cuban seems like a smart guy, but his complete lack of recognition to the potential value of William’s “good-bye” moment is a strong case against his business savvy. If The Donald came across something this gold, I promise you that William’s episode would have been packaged for pay-per-view (if not the entire season) and broadcast worldwide in HD (which would have been ironic, considering Mark Cuban’s role in the conception of High Definition programming).

Sidenote: This is either a freaky coincidence or nothing at all, but MTV just advertised “The Newlyweds” DVD. As I’m writing this about reality television, I glance up and see this. Now I’m wondering, is this something I can prevent myself from buying? I certainly hope so. And can I just come out and say that I like Nick Lachey? Is that a problem for anyone else to admit? I would roll with this guy. I would drink with him. I would stare unapologetically at his wife. I would go to sporting events with him. I would call him my friend. Judge me…

Cuban, you blew it, friend. And what’s more, I tried to find a clip on the internet of William saying good-bye (to “The Benefactor” but also to any friends he may have had and any hopes of a normal life) but ABC doesn’t have it! This is a travesty! They have William saying good-bye, but the tape cuts RIGHT before he collapses. This brings up an interesting question of etiquette. If you’re the cameraman/producer/director what’s the call here? I mean, you know you’re shooting pure gold, unless you’re completely inept. But, do you stay true to the “artistic” endeavor of capturing true life and just keep rolling tape, or do you let the man keep some part of his dignity and shut it down? In my opinion, the public deserves this moment. They’ve invested nearly an hour of themselves into this crap show and this is definitely the highlight (hell, this was the highlight of that month for me). And, if you watched the show, you would probably agree that William deserves this level of unrestricted exposure. He signed up for it, and he crumbled quicker than……. Things that crumble very, very quickly. Sure it’s devastating to the man’s ego, but his ego was artificially inflated (somehow) anyway.

There have been lots of great “reality” moments, but this blog is already entirely too long. If you have a favorite moment, post a comment at the bottom here and tell me about it. I will try to remember to catalogue a few great moments as they come to me and put them up.

In summation…
Reality TV, you had me at hello…