baby products are underrated

get your mind out of the gutter, pervert. i offer 3 baby products that are very useful for adults

1. baby powder- look, its light, its delicate, it absorbs moisture...softens the skin. try it out some time. put some in your shoes. try a little on your chest. dump a little down your pants. that isnt a joke, asshole. howard stern swears by it on his balls. on air, he got angie everhart to admit not only that they were "intimate" but that she appreciated that he used baby powder on his taters after he showered bc it kept them fresh (and assumedly smelling better?) i dont know how he bagged angie everhart but thats not the topic at hand

2. baby oil- yes, for adam sandler's sibling and the perverts out there, it has a decent masturbatory viscosity...uh, not that i know or anything. but honestly, as long as you dont use too much, it feels good on sunburn, chafed skin, [my penis], and anything else that gets irritated, dry, or burned. i used to nair my chest (laugh it up, funboy, you look like a gorilla) and put some on there afterward, it was nice. maybe that's too much information, but youre getting it anyways. and as a bonus, if you wanna go to the pool or have a backyard wrestling match, you can oil up and look like macho man randy savage. ooooh YEEEAH.

3. finally, baby wipes- w-t-f mate, you say? i mean i think some people, right after they have kids, take the portable baby wipes with them as an easy way to clean their hands or anything else that might get dirty, but since i have no [known or acknowledged] kids, i wouldnt know this for sure. but there are some other uses for them. lets say youve got a dude comin over to rail you like a fugitive, and maybe its been a while since you showered (im talking a number of hours, not a number of days, lilith fair)...shit, you dont have time to shower, but alas you have baby wipes -- swab that pookie down, make sure youre nice and fresh. voila, tuna buffet at the good ol Y. same with guys man. no chick wants to go downtown and smell your stank, sweaty balls that have been stewing at the football game for 4 hours. wipe your shit down and youre doing everyone a favor. now she doesnt think youre [as much of] an ingrate troll.
finally, lets say you have a bad wipe. you know what im talkin about. you think you had a great session, only to have your asshole feel like gravel an hour later. BOOM, baby wipe. its so deadly, and so obvious...yet it escapes a majority of mankind.

just thank bruce dickinson and bigshifta for bringing you another savory dose of enlightenment. now go swab your balls and give it to maryjane rottencrotch. we'll talk about your doctor's visit at a later date.

facebook wins!

god, the news feed is so tasty. for example, i just noticed that a girl i wrote about previously, who got pregnant by a guy i briefly worked with at The Restaurant, changed her status from "engaged" to "single" -- hooray single moms who turned 21 in august. i think i want to mutilate someone's genitals and/or destroy something beautiful

thank you facebook for becoming more addictive than myspace. if only they went back to unlimited access where you could view anyone's page, i might never leave my computer

Goodnight, goodnight

msevier31: i may have a nightcap after that
Studlystuf: yes!
Studlystuf: that's like a lullaby, baby
Studlystuf: that aint new
Studlystuf: put you right to sleep
msevier31: its the lullaby for adults
msevier31: actually the adult lullaby is the sound of my dick gettin sucked
Studlystuf: well played

cheating + getting engaged = awesome?

on first impression, if i told you a buddy's sibling recently got engaged, and both parties were known to have "strayed" either on occasion or fairly consistently while they were dating, what would you say?
you'd probably say theyre doomed, right? well, honestly you could say that about anyone who gets engaged and have a 50/50 shot, so it's an even safer bet, given the circumstances.
i guess only time will tell if they even get married, let alone last more than a year or two.

but lets look at it from another angle, shall we?
is it possible that the cheating was a good thing? i think ive covered cheating before, as a requirement for making a long-term relationship last, but either way this will be a refresher.

perhaps they both really care about and "love" (giggling) each other, and they really enjoy spending a lot of time together, so they see a long-term relationship working. but of course human instinct kicks in, you get paranoid about one vagina/goldenrod for the rest of your life, and you start handing out handjobs like grocery store samples on sunday...or going down on maryjane sketchypants in your free time. word of advice bro -- if she smells like shes been to the gym, at most just offer the fingerbang, and then go home and soak your hand in hot soapy bleach water. uhh, not that ive done that or anything.

so by hooking up with other people, whether more or less attractive, they scratch that itch...the curiosity itch. it's something different, and even if that person is better, it might still make them realize how much they actually care about the person youre about to [make the mistake of] get[ting] engaged to.

i dont know whether i condone cheating or not -- i'd have to be a full supporter of relationships in order to have a concrete position on it, but i think cheating can often do a lot of good, assuming no babies or diseases come of it. but if you hook up more with the other person (that is, the person with whom you are cheating), then you probably shouldnt be with your fiance/boyfriend/husband whatever.

cheating and relationships: it's simple math and science, really

Half The Rent... The End

I fear this may be the last "half the rent" post, friends. I am getting my own place at the end of this month & living alone -- likely forever (since all of my friends are dead beats and live with their parents... and I don't believe in marriage)

I've lived with some cooky kids in my day. I started this blog shortly after I moved into this apartment, and the first couple of "half the rent" blogs were tributes to the first roommate (RushOfAdrenalin). Since then he has moved back home with his parents and another friend (Tron -- who was living with his parents at the time) left home and moved in with me. No matter how often I write about my ....situation, there is no way any of you could ever appreciate the magnitude of what is going on with these cats. Trust me. I don't have the words and even if I did, I'm not that good of a writer (shut it!) If you don't know them, then you don't know them. Does that make sense?

I don't even really have a story here. I just wanted to say that life isn't about who you know; its about who you don't know. And I have to believe that I could have really been someone and/or something if I'd never met either of these two clowns. The possibilities are mind blowing, really. Once I'm moved out (and there's a safe distance between us) I will probably post lots of goodies about them. But when Tron is sleeping 25 feet from me, I have to watch my ass. There is so much to tell; there is everything to tell.

You know what, Fuck it, I will tell a Tron story...

So this guy walks into the talent agent's office and says, "I have a great act for you." The talent agent says, "Ok, what is it?" So the man says, "Well, it's a family act.....

I ordered some chinese food the other night, and the total was $17.51 and the only dead presidents I had were $20 bills and benjamins (cos that's how I roll) I needed a few singles, cos I'm not tipping the chinaman two-fitty (it's not that I believe in generosity so much as I absolutely don't believe in getting kung fu'd) So naturally I open up the dryer to look for some loose money. Not only does it take Tron a full 7 days to do ONE load of laundry (lest we forget it only took God six days to create the motherfucking Earth...) but he also washes his money on a regular basis. But, unfortunately on this particular load I only found about 60 cents. So next I head into his room -- he's always got cash just laying around (where the floor used to be, before Tron moved in and tron'd it out) underneath... whatever. It just so happens that he had lost his keys that morning and had (it's more regular than my bowel movements) "cleaned" his room looking for them. So all of the usual obstacles were pushed into giant piles along his walls which really opened the place up. It looked GREAT. The bad side of this is that he probably found any loose cash and took it with him (presumably for the bus, since he never did find his keys) but as I'm looking around, I notice that where his computer chair usually sits, there is a huge pile of old, brittle, yellow toenails. I'm not just talking about 10 -- I'm talking closer to 50. Just sitting there on what used to be brown carpet. My only guess is that he peels them off while he's perched up on his chair playing computer games. The whole thing made me want to yack. And thank God I had chinese food on the way, ya know, cos I deserve it...

...and they call themselves, "The Aristocrats"....


aright shifta, glad to have you back in black. i have to point out a few things, just for the sake of propriety and verbosity (peep the funk flow!)

1. im only slightly a deadbeat. i live by myself and go to law school. and I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS! (you either get that or you dont. if you dont, just swallow some gasoline and light a cigarette. thanks for stoppin by)

2. tron wouldnt do shit to you, but if you dropped some classic rushofadrenalin stories, he would make the fists of rage "blessed event" look like a pat on the back

3. what about when tron wiped dip spit on your bed? did i ruin a good story there?

4. 20.00-17.51 = 2.49. Just thought it was worth mentioning

5. lets all thank shifta for sharing. *thank you shifta*

His Flow Is Royal

That's right! Shifta is blogging.
....its getting chilly down here in Hell...

How is she still going by "Pink" Her hair hasn't been pink in years -- does she really expect us to believe that pink is her real name? (some "clever" little fuck from the google culture is probably gonna go look this up and make me look like an idiot) Obviously it was just some stupid marketing ploy to get her noticed back in the day. Am I the only one who realizes this? I feel like im taking crazy pills! Everytime I see her it's an insult to my intelligence-- her hair isn't pink!! Why is she going by pink? The jar is round... the bottle is round... they should call it ROUNDtine...

btw -- did anyone see the Oklahoma/Oregon traveshamockery of a game over the weekend??
...yea, me neither.

I went to the racetrack a few nights ago. How many single moms are hanging out at that place? Honestly. I know two single moms -- and I'm telling you, they would both hang out here. It just fits.
You have to really admire how well the poor white trash crowd and poor ghetto brothers are getting along there though. You want to see racial unity; look to the racetrack. They're putting their racial and/or cultural differences aside in the name of drinking and losing rent and food money; TOGETHER. They've found some common ground -- and I like that.
While we're talking about it -- I feel like the racetrack could be the blue collar country club golf course. Do you know how many "business" deals could go down here? I'm not just talking about the narcotic transactions and prostitution. I'm talking about if you need some cheap immigrant labor. This is a hot bed for the hispanic workforce. If I needed a new lawn guy or some other random work done around the house/farm -- I'm not opening up the yellow pages -- I'm going to the racetrack. I wonder if I could somehow broker these deals? Lemme write that down...

The bathrooms up on the restaurant level at the track are really nice, by the way. Seriously. I wouldn't even mention it if it wouldn't have been so noticeable and out of place. Who would have thought? Plus only like 5 people were eating up there (and I was with 3) so everytime I went in there, I had the whole place to myself. It was huge, too. Which is awesome but also terrifying. Being alone is nice, but what if someone else comes in? I assure you, the racetrack bathroom is not a place you want to be alone with the questionable clinetele.
In contrast to the rockin' bathroom; the bar is really depressing--- that's one watering hole where having a good rapport with the bartender is not a good thing. Nothing says "my life sucks, cos I live at the track" more than making comments to the waitress like "that's not what you said this afternoon" when it's 10pm. I overheard something to that effect, and it was really sobering. We left the bar immediately.

Bringing sexy back...

whats your name, whats your number, i would like to get to know you

what is the preferred nomenclature for:

strippers? i mean i usually call them "girlfriend" but if you call them strippers, do they act all offended and insist on being called "dancers"? what if you just called them glorified prostitutes, would they claw your eyes out and get bruno to rough you up in the alley?

speaking of prostitutes, what about them? are they hookers? prostitutes? working girls? streetwalkers? glory holes?

midgets? little people? dolphin callers? (yes i ripped that idea off from tucker max). vienna sausage fingers?

im insensitive and fairly glib, so i obviously have no concrete answers here.
i do know you're not supposed to call asian people "oriental" (which describes a type of rug, not a type of person)

...and im pretty sure you arent supposed to refer to black people as african-american, which is presumptuous and apparently fairly patronizing since most black people in america probably dont come from africa any more. i think ill stick with my grandma's tactics and refer to them collectively as "the black"

ruff ryders

lemme paint a picture for you: i drive a mustang cobra, so im fairly low to the ground, but quite a bit higher than your camaro (or lowrider, for you beaners in the audience). the kind of truck im describing is one of those f250 or extended cab/widebed pickups ... im trying to give a decent description here b/c i dont know all the hillbilly lingo for pickups, despite all but about 18 months of my life in oklahoma and texas.
anyways, its one of those fairly large trucks, with the lift kit and 35" (im making this number up) tires, all sorts of frivolous rigging and accessories no one uses
anyways, what i really like is when one of these "penis trucks" pulls up alongside me, and then i get a glimpse in the side window and all i can see is a head about the size of my fist and a face that doesnt look a day over 14.
seeing a little cherub driving a massive truck just makes me giggle. it seems almost as incongruous as females and reality...or reality stars and success

speaking of batman...

some random gym questions that i actually want feedback on, whether or not youre an idiot.

1. if youre a female, and a guy [that you dont know] comes up and talks to you at the gym, do you assume he's hitting on you?
1a. what if all he does is offer you advice on form or technique for the exercise youre doing?
1b. what if he tells you that you have nice skin?

2. male or female, do you do anything if someone keeps watching you or staring at you throughout your workout? does it matter if this is a member of the same sex or opposite sex?

3. is it annoying when someone jumps on the treadmill or cardio machine right next to you when there are plenty of other machines of the same type available, next to no one?

4. what could someone possibly be thinking eating a bag of peanut M&Ms while working out? what about drinking a soda (not the diet kind, either) while working? literally during a set of leg extensions?

5. if you see someone you know at the gym, what is the obligation? can you do the head nod? do you have to pause your music and take the headphones off to make conversation?
5a. does it change the situation if that person is on a cardio machine?
5b. assuming you dont do the classic bruce dickinson snub show, whats the obligation if you leave before this person? do you have to tell them youre leaving, or only if its convenient?