Half The Rent...

So, we’re sitting around the apartment, bored as hell. It’s about midnight, and I ask my roommate (an obvious mistake) what we should do. He says to me, with a straight face, “we could go get an ice cream maker and make homemade ice cream?”
Are you working over-time on that one? How much thought could have gone into that? His rational was simple, “I was just thinking how good ice cream sounds right now.” I’m gonna go end my life…

I feel a lot better about being me

So I was pretty down about my parents duping me and what not with the whole “Drugs vs. TV & Internet” thing. But, then I flipped on the television (big surprise) and Jerry Springer was on. Yes, I watched it. I wasn’t sure this show was still airing. After Jerry did MTV’s Spring Break a few years in a row, I thought he was finished. Not because it was disgraceful, quite the contrary, because that was the pinnacle. How can you ever top that gig? Well, obviously you can’t.

Anyway, so I’m watching Jerry Springer, and I notice that all too familiar feeling down in my loins. You know the one. I’m watching these people on Jerry, and suddenly; Complete Satisfaction. This automatically makes you feel better about your life, doesn’t it? Is it just me? If you can’t feel good about your life after watching Jerry Springer, you’re hopeless. There are exactly 3 reasons why you wouldn’t/shouldn’t love your life by comparison.

1) you know someone on the episode. (and you ALSO had no idea he was cheating on his girlfriend with his Uncle)
2) you find yourself defending the guests because you’re not sure what qualifies this as “wrong” in the eyes of the audience & you’re unsure why this is still considered trash-TV when it’s such “normal” behavior. (therefore this IS your life)
3) you’ve found some sort of inner-peace and resolution after reflecting on Jerry’s “Final Thought”. (Nothing that he says should ever provoke you to say, “wow, that IS a good point.”)

If none of those apply to you, then you’re gold! Just sit back, crack a smile, and start chanting “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!” when one piece of trash in the audience tries to pick a fight with another piece of trash on the stage. You couldn’t script this. Let’s talk about the studio audience for a minute, shall we. Just when you think they’ve found the lowest of the low to be a guest on Jerry, suddenly someone in the audience gets a hold of the mic and, by comparison, makes the idiot on stage look respectable. How is this happening? What alternate universe is this? The behavior of these people is questionable at best, but more importantly, there’s not one attractive person there. Not one. What are the odds of that? What is the screening process here? Where is this endless supply of trash-talking, uneducated goblins?
“Hey, you’re ugly as hell and you have no idea how to act in public, wanna be on national television? We have a place for you on Jerry Springer, we just can’t decide if you’re better suited as a guest or a viewer.”
What pool are they drawing from? Well, I’ll tell you what pool. It’s a filthy stew of over-weight women, their skinny boyfriends, Nascar fans, mobile-home owners, and mullets. The even money bet is no more than 3 full sets of teeth in the entire audience. (gold fronts do NOT count towards a full set) And what is it about the dub-t culture that prevents you from going to the dentist? The barber? I’m just waiting for the day when I flip on Jerry, and I see a guy walking up and down the isles selling beer and peanuts. It’s the one element that’s missing. It’s just a matter of time…


Bt the way – Paris Hilton, you complete me. **doing the gibberish hand-signs** You complete me…

Put THAT in your crack pipe

Studlystuf: how productive COULD America be if we didn't have cable television?
Studlystuf: i think we'd either be a 3rd world country because of a serious lack of stimulation - or we'd be dominating even more because we'd have nothing holding us back
msevier31: lets talk about productivity for a moment
msevier31: lets take away cable tv and internet
msevier31: we'd be reinventing the fucking wheel
Studlystuf: i agree
msevier31: aids and cancer - these things dont concern us
Studlystuf: dont get me wrong -- i LOVE cable
Studlystuf: but THAT is the root of the problem - that is my whole point
-----just solving life's little problems, and pondering the BIGGER issues


So, I was thinking. Everyone’s parents tell them not to take drugs and all of that other crap, when you’re growing up. You know, they tell you to steer clear of certain things – drugs, guns, knives, people of color (I’m only kidding, Karamo), strangers dangling candy out car windows – because they’re just trouble. They don’t want you to ruin your life. Understandable. (Though they encourage you to get married and start a family at some point – it’s all very confusing.) But, see, the thing is, I thought I had done pretty well. You know, I don’t do drugs. No weapons. No kidnappings. Very few minorities in my clique. (Chill, K, I’m just messing with you guys.) So, I figured my life was pretty much on track. Right? Wrong! Track? I’m on no track! I’ve derailed!

Does anyone know where this is going?

Look, our parents duped us! Plain and simple. It’s true. My parents. Your parents. Basically, if you have parents, you’ve been had! Bamboozled! Hoodwinked! Swindled! And I’ll tell you why. Because I care.

Mom, Dad, I don’t do drugs! Oh, goody! That certainly is something! But, at this juncture, I’m inclined to wonder if I’m actually better off. No, I don’t have a drug addiction. And that probably saves me some money. But, I think that’s where it ends. My life is still ruined! Hell, I couldn’t even find the time to do drugs – what with all the life I’m wasting on computer games, reality television, junk food, and AIM! Could my parents not have mentioned the real life-wreckers?

“Do all the drugs you want son, just don’t order premium channels. For the love of God, DO NOT expand your cable package! You can kick heroin in a just a few agonizing weeks – but you start watching television without commercials and you’re hooked for life! You get wind of NBA League Pass and you’re finished! Title Fights, HBO original series, world premiere movies with no interruptions! Violence, Adult Language, Nudity! All it takes is one hit and your life is over!”

Honestly, I think I’ve met druggies that are currently leading more productive lives than I am. (and by productive, I obviously mean completely void of purpose and direction, but at least they’re helping to support commerce through the drug market) My point is (I think I’ve still got one) – Someone should have had the courtesy and/or decency to mention that Cable TV and High Speed Internet might be a problem. I’m just saying…



By the way, “25th Hour” (with Ed Norton) is produced by “40 Acres & A Mule Filmworks”. Yea, you read that right. No, this isn’t a bit. I was giggling like a schoolgirl when I read that in the opening credits – what the hell is going on here? Glad I was paying attention! Does that strike anyone else as… inappropriate? I realize it’s a Spike Lee “joint”, but c’mon. 40 acres & a mule? I’m not even sure what kind of statement that makes. What’s he trying to say there? Hey, Karamo, can you help me out with this one? What are all the implications in a name like that?

Wax on, Wax off

So, I got sucked into “The Karate Kid” like, 45 minutes ago and I can’t seem to get out. It’s a good thing I didn’t have anything to do tonight, because it would not be getting done. This is the original, people. This is pivotal. It’s fundamental. I loved this movie (and still do on some levels) but what a huge disappointment it was when I found out Mister Miyagi (a.k.a. Pat Morita) doesn’t talk that way. At all! He was born in California for crying out loud!

Side note: This was big for me, really big, like finding out Santa was just somebody’s drunk-ass uncle wearing a dingy beard promising kids the world if they just behaved themselves. (This is a separate issue, but am I the only one that feels like we’re just perpetuating pedophilia with this whole, “come sit on my lap, little girl/boy” charade? I think its disturbing at best.) The Miyagi sham is one of those things that, I feel, heavily contributed to the person I became, in a negative way. This one thing could be the sole reason for my complete mistrust of tiny Chinese men. I’ve never been to China, so now I’m questioning whether it even exists! Seems unlikely from where I’m sitting, Lee. Kids can only take so much let down. Santa Claus, Love, Mister Miyagi, Split National Championships… all of which you’re told are legit, but none of which are real!

Back on track. I think I just shared a moment with this movie, JUST now. Daniel just picked up Ally (Elisabeth Shue with baby fat still intact, several years before she hit full-blown hottieness) at her “Scarface” mansion in Encino, and they climbed into the station wagon with Daniel’s mom (that old beat up piece of shit – and the car is pretty crappy, too). SNAP! Anyway, the car doesn’t start. Already my heart goes out to Daniel-San. So the 3 of them are sitting in the car, in front of Ally’s parents, in front of her gi-normous house, and the car won’t start. How painful is this? Is it just me? I’m dying here, people.

If I’m Daniel, (and I like to believe that a part of me is) the only thing going through my head right now is that I’m never going out with this girl again. (Also, look, I know its 1984, but were station wagons ever an acceptable form of transportation? No, they were never cool.) My best plan of action at this point is to tell Ally goodbye (along with my social life) drive home as fast as I can (assuming it starts), park in the garage, leave the car running and roll the windows down. If the car never starts, I go straight to plan B; convince Miyagi to karate my ass to death. This has got to be 1 of the 3 or 4 legitimate reasons to off yourself. Daniel, we understand.

Ok, I’m turning that off. It’s time to let go. Can I just say something about Amy Lee here? Evanescence! Anyone? I’m blaring this aural bliss at an offensive volume in my living room right now, as I write this. What can I even say about Amy Lee? If I were to make a “Goose Bumps” mix CD – a compilation of pirated songs, downloaded illegally off of the internet, that give me Goose Bumps – Amy Lee would definitely be at the top of the list. Amy, where have you been all my life? “My Immortal” is on, and I am so connected to her at this very moment. I listen to this… and I wanna go break someone’s fucking neck for hurting her! (Part of it is because I feel her pain, and the other part is I’m still steaming a little about the whole Miyagi/Pat Morita conflict) This song, my God. Priceless. And then she goes and ends the chorus with, “but you still have all of me.” Doesn’t that just sum up the female condition right there? How appropriate.

I digress…