ACL-who?

Oh, we're sooooo c-c-c-c-c-contrO-ver-sial!
We are entirely smooth
We admit to the truth
We are the best at what we do
And these are the words you wish you wrote down
This is the way you wish your voice sounds
Handsome and smart
Ooh, my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart
And it's all from watching t.v.
And from speeding up my breathing
Wouldn't stop if I could
It hurts to be this good
---Brand New

Thank you for the great response to our April Fools post. It was everything we hoped it would be.

just wanted to say thanks, and im sorry

first of all, thanks to everyone who has read the blog, especially those of you who read it on a fairly regular basis (all three of you!). even more thanks to those who actually gave feedback about it...i think eventually if no one ever gave us any feedback, it would begin to lose its appeal, though i dont think i would have stopped regardless. either way, it always made it more enjoyable to read comments and remarks from you guys.

second of all, sorry to those of you who were offended by what i wrote at some point. i try to be a fairly equal opportunity offender, but you know some people who offend or annoy me more are going to get picked on a little more. just remember the hyperbolic nature of the comments and the obvious (at times) satirical value. also remember not to take yourself too seriously. why would you care even if i did believe every word on here (which i do)?

finally, you may ask yourself why thank people, and why apologize? well, thats it. this is the end of the blogging road for bruce dickinson. i've come to realize the error of my ways, and it is time to put my mind and creative talents into something more fruitful - pursuing a loving relationship with a woman.

stay classy...and...thanks for stoppin by

Big Shifta here --- basically, put me down for the same thing he's having. We're putting this bad boy to sleep. and here's why, kids--


Max D. S*****, Chtd.
Attorney at Law
### West ***** Avenue, Suite ###
Las V****, Nevada 89###
Telephone (702) ###-####
Fax (702)###-####

March 23, 2006

(Via Certified Mail # #### #### #### #### 5176 and U.S. Mail)

Brandon Smith
http://bigshifta.blogspot.com
11429 Spring****** **. Apt # ####
Oklahoma City, OK 73120

Re: AMERICAN CIVIL LIBERTIES UNION ("ACLU")

Dear Mr. Smith:
This office represents the above-named ACLU and related organizations. It has come to our attention that on a website you control, namely http://bigshifta.blogspot.com, offensive, libelous, defamatory, malicious, disparaging, and otherwise harmful statements have been published in a recurring and ongoing fashion. The published work violates the Civil Liberties Acts Listed herein, and is subject to stated rulings, tenents and regulations.

You are to cease and desist immediately from the same or any similar activity. In the event you fail to do so, The ACLU is prepared to initiate further litigation to obtain an injunction to enforce its rights. In addition to obtaining an injunction, THE ACLU intends to seek redress for any legal damages sustained, which damages could exceed the sum of $1,000,000.00. This is beyond any damages found for the prior judgements following litigation hereafter.

Finally, consistant with recent court rulings you may now be obligated to disclose the source(s) of your information. Accordingly, within ten(10) days of this letter, you are to do the following:

1. Provide a list of the sources of your information complete with name, address, and telephone number; and,
2. Remove from http://bigshifta.blogspot.com website all information relating these proceedings.

Your failure to do so will result in initiating the second, aformentioned litigation.

Govern yourself accordingly,
Max D. S*****

MDS/kdcc: ACLU

*** yea, the following was also enclosed***

CASE NO.: A50####
DEPT NO.: #

SUMMONS - CIVIL

NOTICE! YOU HAVE BEEN SUED. THE COURT MAY DECIDE AGAINST YOU WITHOUT YOUR BEING HEARD UNLESS YOU RESPOND WITHIN 20 DAYS. READ THE INFORMATION BELOW.

TO THE DEFENDANT(S): A civil Complaint has been filed by the Plaintiff(s) against you for the relief and damages set forth in the Complaint.

blah blah blah, it goes on and on --- pages and pages and pages

I just wanted to shed some light on why bruce and I are shutting down


You've all been great! Thanks for the debates and support and we hope you enjoyed it! Unless you were some of the people responsible for this bullshit -- in which case, I'm feeling a lot of aggression towards you right now.
P.S. Thank the ACLU for protecting my freedom of speech. I really appreciate it

...end scene

-Big Shifta

you raped a BLACK woman

having read up on the duke "rape" scandal, supposedly involving the lacrosse team and a BLACK woman, i cant help but notice how big of a deal has been made of the fact that its a BLACK woman. why? why is this necessary? shouldnt it be enough that a woman got raped? why do people get interviewed and say this concerns me as a BLACK woman? race has nothing to do with it. its a gender thing, genius

and look, im not saying it doesnt go both ways. when a white girl gets raped (by an "ethnic"), it becomes important that a WHITE woman got raped. why?

is it a bigger deal since the guy[s] raped someone outside of their race? is there some sort of deeper meaning to all of this, relating back to pure races and ethnocentrism?

im annoyed that all the black student alliances feel the need to rally around this, even though the girl wasnt even a student (at duke). again, forget race - rally around b/c it is unjust for someone who commits rape to go unpunished (unless she was REALLY vibin hard)

DISCLAIMER:
If this is a sensitive subject for you, stop reading--

Here's the bottom line;
We're talking about kids who go to Duke. When white guys rape someone, there's no witnesses because they're like fucking chemists with the GHB. But apparently they don't teach you how to properly drug a black chick at the frat-boy pharmacy, so these guys are in trouble. (I think the only "required" reading is "Cum-Guzzling Sorority Girls: No Memory = No Guilt")
Also, couldn't you claim ignorance on this one? She's a stripper. What if she was an escort or something? For years my friends and I have debated whether or not sex is implied in the date.

one point of note - she was a stripper, and she was acquired from an escort service. someone better at least be getting some fucking handjobs outta the deal. im thinking these rich white dudes paid a lot of money, and she tried to chicken out and blueball them, so their LAXing (fucking lacrosse players call themselves laxers) steroid-using drunkasses got hormonal and decided to take what was rightfully theirs. plus its a stripper, how bad can you feel? she was on SOMETHING, and i guarantee she at least consented to some of it

Who the fuck wants a handjob?

if a tree falls in the forest...

there's 3 ACC teams in the final four!! oh, its women's? i didnt know they still let women play basketball

women's basketball isnt exciting, i dont care what you say. "dunking" in women's basketball happens 3 times a year, and at least 2 of those are essentially lay-ins with a chick grabbing the rim. WOW, i just peed my pants in excitement. nevermind, that wasnt urine, and it had nothing to do with basketball. but that's neither here nor there.

you know who watches women's basketball? lesbians. and the players' parents. these two arent necessarily mutually exclusive, either.

sure, title 9, let the women play their hoops. no more wnba, though, stern. pull the plug. youre a smart business man, and throwing away good money to promote something that loses money is not good business. hell, anything promoting women probably isnt good business. unless it's promoting them to the business end of my cock. ZING

Dude, c'mon -- women's hoops is great. Love it for the passing. Love it for the shooting. Love it for the screens. Love it for the lesbians! Love it for the unintentional comedy. Love it for all the questions I'm about to pose.

Have you officially hit rock bottom (as a male, female, or reality star) when you get offered (or take) a women's basketball coaching job? Would you be self conscious if your balls were bigger than the pee-wee-sized basketballs you're shooting? Is there a higher homo % in the coaches or the players? Since we know all of the female coaches are rug munchers, does that also mean that the male coaches are gay? How can you be 6'3, a basketball player, and STILL not dunk? Is it disturbing to anyone else that my old roommate finds Stacey Dales-Shoeman attractive? Wait, she's using both last names to preserve some identity. Doesn't *that* make her a dyke by default? How often do female basketball players have to shave their beards? How can you be more of a man than I am and still suck at basketball? Does anyone know the matriculation rate of female ballers into the LPGA? Is this the normal progression?

Women can do anything men can do! And sometimes they can do it better!

...and if you believe any of this--
"I promise I won't cum in your mouth..."

Thanks Beautiful...

"i promise i wont cum in your mouth" is the greatest lie since the holocaust -- thankfully ive never had to use it.. it's amazing how accomodating asian prostitutes and 15-year olds can be, especially when i give them the "bruce dickinson cocktail"

God, I get so much mileage out of that lie! And a good number of women who read this blog can attest to it--

the one about the holocaust? me too, man... me too

so hey i meant to mention this earlier...you mentioned how fists of rage is attracted to stacy dales-whatever. does this honestly come as any surprise? havent your last 3 roommates all had bizarre [random, and/or horrible] taste in women?

no, its not a surprise at all. aside from their shared love for high school girls, they have really fucked up tastes. stacey-dales falls right into line

hey BUDDY

most annoying/patronizing general term for a male?
guy, bro, dude, man, buddy?**

[ed: i forgot "boss" and "chief" somehow]

just say these out loud in a phrase such as "hey guy!" and try not to cringe or punch yourself in the face. its difficult

**no i dont include "playa" or "son" or "nigga" or "cousin" or "family" or any of the other cool phrases you like to use, billy. theyre just not widely used enough, yet (like excuses for hooking up with 16 year olds)

use a condom!

haha, just kidding. who uses condoms? thats what abortions are for...

2 guys i used to work with have recently impregnated some young, dumb girls. but both girls are keeping it. i cant keep up with one of the two girls, but by some miracle, i had the other girl as one of my myspace buddies, so i can keep tabs on her. hooray for myspace stalking

anyways, this girl has to be 21 or so. and she is excited about it (or at least feigning excitement). you FUCKING IDIOT. your life is over, but "congrats" ...its "adorable"
what makes it all so much worse are the pictures she has on there of the sonogram, and the babydaddy (who redefines manwhore) kissing her belly. and her friends' comments. "youre gonna make the most amazing parents ever" -- uhh, actually, no theyre not. theyre both irresponsible and stupid, clearly. how are you a good parent when neither of you has a good, stable job, and youre both immoral and stupid? (the answer in oklahoma is send them to church. i dont know the answer everywhere else...suffice it to say, both of these people were "church kids" -- it works really well)

do i have a point? maybe. the point is, if youre going to be stupid (smart) enough to hump without condoms, be smart enough to be on birth control. and if that fails, do the immoral thing and abort the kid. thats right, i said it. youre doing yourself and the child a disservice by having it. controversy rocks, but at least im honest. both of these helmet kids probably should have been aborted, and if they were, this cycle wouldnt have been perpetuated.

whew, i need a drink

poker aint goin anywhere

yes, the world series of poker has exploded at the rate of the stock market around the "tech bubble" and yes, the poker world will "correct" itself just like the stock market.
the stock market may have dropped, but it didnt die, and neither will poker.
there's plenty of theories, and theyre all good...here's a little insight from red n mesh

1. it's fun - i know i played little bullshit quarter poker with my buddies in high school, and it was a fun thing to do, especially if you like to drink or smoke cigars (or give each other handjobs)

2. anyone can play - texas hold em, as a concept, is not difficult. i want to vomit every time they say it takes a minute to learn, but a lifetime to master. unfortunately, its true, so theyre gonna keep saying it (stop watching, you say? what ELSE is on at 2 am, besides the fake titties, bad acting, and amazing o-faces you saw last weekend?)

3. the big stakes no limit tournaments are like a lottery with better odds. this is the american ideal -- pay a little bit and end up with a lot for doing relatively nothing. of course, anyone who has done so will tell you playing 10-12 hours of poker in a day is taxing on your sanity, as well as your body. i certainly wouldnt want to do it, but hell if millions were involved, theres quite a few things i would be willing to endure, including listening to you talk for 5 consecutive minutes.

you know why this lottery has better odds? b/c you can make bonehead decisions and still win. any idiot can theoretically get good enough cards to survive their bad decisions (see Chris Moneymaker, wsop champion). how many times have you seen this at your 20 dollar buy-in home game, let alone on tv? guy has 95% chance to win going to the river card, and the dumbass underdog sucks out. it makes for brilliant tv even if it pisses you off at your home game. at least you only lost a chance at 100 bucks, instead of 5 million.

are you really that good at reading people? perhaps you just think you are...
maybe youre lucky...
maybe its intuition...or an innate sense
maybe its...maybelline? (it seemed appropriate at the time...so shoot me)

the point is, i have no point.

You certainly dont!

I am really that good at reading people. And by people I mean porno mags. And by porno mags I mean women. And by women I mean high school girls. And by high school girls I mean my hook-up market. And by that I mean.... eh, fuck it